aLCo-BeaT

Thinking Outside the Box

2006-09-07T00:07:00.000-05:00

Local nut Kevin Barrett taught the first day of his class on "the religion and culture of Islam."

"Barrett, a part-time lecturer, sparked controversy this summer for advocating the theory that the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks were an inside job, and for planning to teach the theory in his fall class on Islam. Since then, enrollment in the class has swelled to capacity, with some students signing up hungry to hear his views.

"'It induced me to take the class,' a molecular science major with a pierced eyebrow said of the controversy. 'I'm inclined to believe we killed our own people.'."

For those of you who don't follow current events in south-central Wisconsin: In addition to indulging in cranky Loose Change-inspired ranting about 9/11, Barrett has denied that Islamic terrorism even exists to any significant degree and that such phantoms are, of course, merely a pretext to wage a global war on Islam and its adherants.

But students don't seem to mind.

"Courtney Schiesher, a senior from Chicago, said Barrett was a lively lecturer. She said his personal views on the terrorist attacks do not sour her toward him.

"'If he thinks that far outside the box, he also has some other interesting ideas to provoke student discussion,' she said. 'I'm looking forward to attending the rest of the classes.'"

Barrett and his particular brand of screwiness was the subject of one of Cathy Young's Boston Globe columns a few months back.

"According to [University provost Patrick] Farrell, 'We cannot allow political pressure from critics of unpopular ideas to inhibit the free exchange of ideas.' Would he use the same kind of reasoning to defend a Holocaust-denying course or a course in 'creation science'? When it comes to those issues, it is widely understood that even to open up an academic 'debate' about certain crackpot theories is to give them a legitimacy that will be corrosive to genuine scholarship. It is one thing to say that professors should not be penalized for whatever views they preach outside the classroom; it's quite another to say that they have the right to poison the well of the college curriculum.

"Mir Babar Basir, a recent University of Wisconsin graduate and former president of the Muslim Students Association, told the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel that Barrett had many supporters, which was not surprising since 'Madison is fairly liberal.' But what exactly is 'liberal' about the belief in bizarre conspiracy theories? If one wants to promote tolerance toward Muslims and counter the stereotypes that equate all Islam with terrorism, denying the link between Islamic fanaticism and Sept. 11 is hardly the way to go about it."

Is Barrett a "liberal" scholar? Here's a passage from Barrett's website, taken from an essay about "Traditionalism."

"Besides reconnecting me with monotheism, the Traditionalists helped cure me of a certain kind of left-wing dogmatism based on unexamined faith in the eternal progress of free-thinking, secularized humanity, liberated from the obscurantist shackles of religion. Such naivete! On this point the neocons are right: the human being is a religious animal, and progress is an illusion. But they are wrong about religion also being an illusion, a tool for elite manipulation of the masses. Real religion—for example, the Islamic discursive tradition—is a valid body of knowledge, an approach to truth that works...When folks get fed up with the neocon lies... will have been starved for truth so long that they will be truly ravenous. They will hunger for truth, yearn for truth. They will be dying, both figuratively and literally starved for truth, craving it with an attachment deeper than their attachment to life."

Why did this passage pop into my head just now, only moments after completing a post that referenced Ahmadinejad's assault on "free-thinking, secularized" education, William Dembski's disdain for "secular scholarship" and David Horowitz's contempt for, well, higher education in general?

No reason, I guess...

"He told a group of students that they should organise campaigns to demand that the liberal teachers be sacked."

2006-09-06T23:30:00.000-05:00

So says President Ahmadinejad.

"Mr Ahmadinejad said it was difficult to alter secular influences that had been in place in Iran for 150 years, but added that such a change had begun.

The move echoes campaigns of the 1980s, when hundreds of liberal university teachers and students were sacked.

"'A student must yell against liberal thoughts and the liberal economy,' the AFP news agency reported Mr Ahmadinejad as saying.

"'A student must ask why a secular teacher gives low marks to a student that does not have the same ideas as him.'"

Alex the Inactivist makes what, to me, is an obvious connection.

"Mahmoud, you might want to talk to David Horowitz. And William Dembski, another outspoken opponent of secular scholariship, has this great new idea called 'teaching the controversy...'

"This might not play too well among the chai-sipping elitists of Tehran, but it will probably go over well in the Red Provinces."

Marvel Strikes Again

2006-09-06T21:48:00.000-05:00

I've been a comics fan and collector for most of my life. I've always preferred Marvel to DC. Even when DC is actually cranking out better books - a not uncommon occurrence - the Marvel Universe simply feels more like home to me, like an old, comfy chair that's permanently settled into the shape of my butt. Probably this is due to the fact that I started reading comics waaaay back in the late 1970s; then, and for a while after, the House of Ideas still radiated with a hip, modern sensibility left over from the glory days of the previous decade. (DC, conversely, was still stuck in the pre-Crisis rut, tangled up in a convoluted mythology that had been carelessly improvised over the course of 40 years with no particular concern for consistency or even sense. While there were certainly some interesting comics being published by DC back then, the whole enterprise felt very square and staid: there was no reason that even their best stuff (the Wolfman/Perez Teen Titans, Keith Giffen's Legion of Superheroes) couldn't have been published in the 1950s.)

No matter how great their comics are, however, I never fail to be amazed by the Marvel's business acumen, which can charitably be described as astoundingly stupid. I strongly suggest picking up the latest issue of The Comics Journal, which has a pair of fantastic articles detailing how the company's perpetual muddle-headedness inadvertantly created and nearly destroyed the direct market. This is just the tip of the iceberg - seemingly every mention of Marvel in the business press that I've seen is a breathless report on some new and innovative way they've come up with to waste money or squander goodwill. Despite their considerable success over the years, Marvel remains a lovable loser; it is oddly comforting, as a fan, to know that any measure of success they stumble upon will soon curdle into some manner of near-catastrophic embarrassment.

The latest example of this comes from Virginia Postrel, who's latest piece in The Atlantic is an examination of superhero movies. The mag's art director thought, reasonably enough, that some bit of comic art would make a good illustration. Since the latest X-Men movies is still fresh in everyone's mind, they decided to go with a recent example of that series's cover art. Sounds perfect, right? The Atlantic gets a nifty graphic, Marvel gets to advertise for free - everyone wins, right?

"But Marvel dragged out the permission process until the day before the issue was supposed to go to the printer. As a condition of permission, the company's lawyer then insisted that the article treat the word superhero as a Marvel/DC trademark, spelling it Super Hero. Fortunately for me, The Atlantic declined and went with Superman.

"As is so often the case, aggressive IP lawyers trumped smart business strategy--good fodder for a future Forbes column. Marvel is supposed to be promoting second-line characters, including Storm, and The Atlantic is clearly not trying to publish a superhero comic in competition with the trademark holders."

Keep up the good work, boys!

Mighty Inoue & Higo Hamaguchi vs Spike Huber & Rocky Brewer (7/25/80 IWE)

2006-09-06T00:27:00.001-05:00

Boy, for a hate-filled blow-off match this sure was dull. The heels here bored me silly - their offense was dull, they weren't terribly evil and they barely even usd the 2x4 that Gypsy Joe went through the trouble to smuggle in. It was nice of them to run face-first into the cage like that, but I find myself much less impressed with 'em than the rest of you. Hamaguchi wasn't a whole lot better, only becoming interesting at the end when he could be a pissed-off old man; otherwise he was all bodyslams and leg-drops. Inoue was his usual fun self, but then again I'm a sucker for fat little guys who can come up with wild bursts of energy. The only other parts of the match that I really liked were 1) all the biting (Dunno what it is, but I really love how people used to bite each other on the forehead in old matches. I get why they don't do it anymore, but I wish they did; there's something really expressive about it, like you hate the other guy SO DARN MUCH that you'd do something that was not only probably quite painful but also very animalistic and weirdly intimate (its almost a KISS for gosh's sake!) as well as pretty gross.) and 2) the fact that all four guys bled. I know - cage match, what do you expect, right? But when we went for more than 10 minutes without even ONE guy bleeding (not to mention the generally calm and overly polite nature of the match as a whole up to that point), I started to worry. Crowd wasn't too into it either, but I may have been spoiled by the drum guy from the last match. Anyway.

Shozo Kobayashi/Haruka Eigen vs Mighty Inoue/Isamu Teranishi (6/29/80 IWE)

2006-09-04T21:29:00.000-05:00

[I'm participating in the massive Death Valley Driver Best Matches of the 1980's jamboree; for details on this, head over to the 80's Forum at the DVDVR board. Currently, I'm going over the matches on the "Other Japan" ballot (for those of you who have no earthly idea what "Other Japan" could possibly mean: in the 1980s, Japan had two major, multi-million-yen, arena-selling-out wrestling promotions - All Japan Pro Wrestling and New Japan Pro Wrestling. Most of the big stars and classic matches from that era occured under the banner of one of these two groups. Meanwhile, a few tiny, bush-league groups managed to eke out a living under the ankles of these two giants. These are the "other" groups, they're in "Japan", hence" "Other Japan." The official list of nominated matches can be found here.). For no particular reason, I'm going to post daily reviews of the nominated matches here as well as on the DVDVR forum. So enjoy.]

I had no idea who most of these guys were for most of this match, except for Mighty Inoue - I'd read somewhere that he wore funny-looking multi-colored shorts. Plenty of jumping and slapping and weird submission moves - I especially liked the odd leg scissors that Kobayashi had on Teranishi (oh you remember - the one where he picked him up with his legs and dropped him repeatedly on his butt. It looked like something someone'd do in a Hanna-Barbara pro-wrestling cartoon.). Man, what was with Kobayashi's missing left nipple? Did someone give him a shining purple nurple? The first fall was the longest and best, and I'm excited to see the next match, which appears to be a score-settler with the guys who disrupted the third fall. Fun match, although I think I liked it better than I might've due to it being the first on the set. I really dug the drums in the crowd, and the sudden highspots right before the screwy end were a nifty little treat given the submission-y nature of much of what preceeded it.

eBay Auction of the Day

2006-09-03T01:42:00.000-05:00

Sure, I've got the Fuse LP, I've got the Samurai Rock N Roll boot, but one thing this Cheap Trick fan doesn't have is Rick Nielsen's high school yearbook!

Opening bid's at $125.00. Its never too early to do your Christmas shopping, you know...

Somebody Else's Bad Mood

2006-09-02T23:39:00.000-05:00

While hunting all over for that Alan Moore quote, I came across an old interview from (hey!) The Onion which is well worth checking out. I was struck by this bit, which gives voice to something that's been rattling around in my head for a few months:

"I think that what a lot of people saw when they read Watchmen was a high degree of violence, a bleaker and more pessimistic political perspective, perhaps a bit more sex, more swearing. And to some degree there has been, in the 15 years since Watchmen, an awful lot of the comics field devoted to these very grim, pessimistic, nasty, violent stories which kind of use Watchmen to validate what are, in effect, often just some very nasty stories that don't have a lot to recommend them. And some of them are very pretentious, where they'll try and grab some sort of intellectual gloss for what they're doing by referring to a few song titles, or the odd book. They'll name-drop William Burroughs here or there. Just like MAD comics, which was a unique standalone thing, it's almost become a genre. The gritty, deconstructivist postmodern superhero comic, as exemplified by Watchmen, also became a genre. It was never meant to. It was meant to be one work on its own. I think, to that degree, it may have had a deleterious effect upon the medium since then. I'd have liked to have seen more people trying to do something that was as technically complex as Watchmen, or as ambitious, but which wasn't strumming the same chords that Watchmen had strummed so repetitively. This is not to say that the entire industry became like this, but at least a big enough chunk of it did that it is a noticeable thing. The apocalyptic bleakness of comics over the past 15 years sometimes seems odd to me, because it's like that was a bad mood that I was in 15 years ago. It was the 1980s, we'd got this insane right-wing voter fear running the country, and I was in a bad mood, politically and socially and in most other ways. So that tended to reflect in my work. But it was a genuine bad mood, and it was mine. I tend to think that I've seen a lot of things over the past 15 years that have been a bizarre echo of somebody else's bad mood. It's not even their bad mood, it's mine, but they're still working out the ramifications of me being a bit grumpy 15 years ago."

Don Federico, of the great, great new blog The Pop Ark (linked at left, and which I visit each day praying for a new post (yeah, like I'm one to talk)) nails it even more precisely (and I suppose I ought to spell out here that I don't just have comics on my mind...) (I've corrected some of his more egregious typos and format sloppiness):

"I think this dark age era of Batman ushered in by Dark Knight Returns and finally killed off in Identity Crisis will be seen in the long run as a temporary aberration, not the real Batman. As I mentioned that aberrant vision of Batman does have it's fans, typically maladjusted young men with serious social malaise....These young men of course have no historical context or understanding of what Batman really is, all they know is the garbage DC pumped out in the 90's; that's what they think is good. As such I really sincerely feel sorry for them, they were conditioned to accept a substandard and largely negative vision of an iconic figure in modern mythology, until such time as they get over trying to act 'cool' on the internet then they are going to miss out on great stuff. There the kind of wankers who go to discos and stand around looking ridiculous, expecting people to come and fall all over them, then go home bitter and angry when no one talks to them and they are too insecure to actually go and introduce themselves to anyone. The internet caters to this kind of wounded narcissist, suddenly he imagines he has an audience, and so he has a place to present his ego-centric world view...believing his opinion to be absolute and unique and utterly correct. Of course they can't communicate in complete sentences, or anything more then one paragraph, when pressed they have nothing to tell, when asked to elucidate or expand their opinion, to back it up with any kind of historical context or objective criteria of any kind, they become very quiet or launch into personal attacks. They are nothing more then whimpering hollow men. Their sexual repression and social ineptitude pour through in every word they write, in what they deem laughable, in what they deem erotic, in the fascist power fantasies they find so appealing, and in the art that celebrates and dignifies humanity that the find so repulsive.

"I'm not seeking to put down comics fans or internet fans in general, the average comic book fan is a good guy, and picking on the stereotypical nerd is something that I find to be the worst kind of bullying. That's not what I'm trying to do here at all. My basic point is that if you don't like the new...Batman then you are probably a sad bitter socially inept sexually repressed little compulsive masturbator."

Couldn't have put it better myself.

Snap Into It!

2006-09-02T23:05:00.000-05:00

What I always find so incredible about The Onion is not its much-noted pants-splitting hilarity, but rather its writers' unnervingly deep knowledge of whatever subject it is they're lampooning.

My new favorite example: Make-A-Wish Recipient Now Wishes Macho Man Randy Savage Would Go Away

You have to be a little bit more than a casual fan to remember this: "Savage, who told Tyler his acute lymphocytic leukemia reminded him of the time he wrestled Ricky 'The Dragon' Steamboat and 'crushed that pip-squeak's larynx,' said that he enjoys helping less-fortunate fans."

But this is fairly astounding: "'I don't like when he sings his songs,' Tyler said, referring to Savage's impromptu performance of songs from his rap album Be A Man. 'They make me sad.'" I'd forgotten all about Be A Man.

(I know - how could you possibly forget Be a Man?

Hot diggity damn Hulk I'm glad you set it off (set if off)
Used to be hard Hulk now ya done turned soft
Doin' telephone commercials I seen ya
Dancin' in tights as a ballerina
I knew all along you had those tendencies
Cuz you've been runnin' from Macho like I got a disease

Go ahead.)

As for pants-splitting hilarity, this is hard to top:

"The Blashocks said they were initially relieved when Savage sprinted out of the room at 10 p.m., but his absence was short- lived.

'We thought it was the end of the ordeal,' Mr. Blashock said. 'But sure enough, 15 minutes later, we hear, "All right, Tyler, let's clothesline this cancer," and we knew tomorrow was going to be another day that our son wouldn't be able to swallow any food.'"

SPASH Hits

2006-09-02T22:27:00.000-05:00

Bob Burns and the Breakups play tonight at the Glass Nickel on Atwood St. - in fact, they're probably pretending to tune up right now as I write this. I've always been curious about this group as 1) what little I've heard of their hyperactive garage-y hit-and-run-style sonic whoop-de-doo seems like it might reward further analysis, and 2) they all appear to be products of the Steven's Point Area Senior High, and thus (as I am a proud lifelong Lumberjack), my eternal hated rivals. I'd go see 'em tonight, but that would involve leaving the house and...well...I'm not as good at that as I used to be. I'm sure you understand. Alan Moore does ("...I tend to just stay here in my kind of - well, I wouldn't say it was normal - my slightly unusual terraced house in Northampton. I don't venture far outside. I mean, even the other end of the living room is a bit of a mystery to me, so I tend not to hear much of that.")

So for all my fellow shut-ins, here's a taste (via Killed By Death Records) of what you're missing out on.

From Bob Burns and the Breakups Hydrostatic Heart EP (Plastic Idol)"
Hydrostatic Heart
Losing My Head
Acid Reflex

7/4/06

2006-07-04T10:46:00.000-05:00

What could be more American than the Ramones? Happy 4th.

A Question...

2006-07-04T00:43:00.000-05:00

Who has worse taste in music, Bob Dylan or the guy from the Flaming Lips? Ann Althouse inadvertantly raises this question in two separate posts.

First she links to this:

"Legendary rocker BOB DYLAN has thrilled R+B singer ALICIA KEYS by name-checking her on his highly-anticipated new album. Dylan, 65, references Keys, 26, on the title track of his latest disc MODERN TIMES. The album is his first in five years and is released in August (06). Dylan sings: 'I was thinking about Alicia Keys, couldn't help from crying / When she was born in Hell's Kitchen, I was living down the line / I'm wondering where in the world Alicia Keys could be / I been looking for her even clean through Tennessee'."

Alicia Keys, eh? Jeez, Bob, even Joan Baez was better.

Then: not to be outdone, the guy from the Flaming Lips demonstrates his questionable musical preferences not by ill-considered endorsement but via unwarranted dismissal - of Bob Dylan!

"[The guy from the Flaming Lips] on Bob Dylan:
'What can an eighteen-year-old possibly care about a wrinkled-up old man with a pencil-thin mustache hunched over a keyboard?' he asks incredulously. 'I mean, have you seen Dylan lately? You can't recognize a single song he plays anymore. It's like you order a pizza and Dylan brings you a pile of dog food, and you're like, "What's this? I ordered pizza." And Dylan says, "This is my version of a pizza."'"

I guess "Love and Theft" wasn't exactly Highway 61, but at least it wasn't "She Don't Use Jelly". Flaming Lips guy loses! Er, wins!

Two Wisconsin Bands

2006-07-04T00:09:00.000-05:00

Today I picked up Hot Nuggets, the new split LP from The Modern Machines and IfIHadAHiFi, out on Madison's own Crustacean Records. Swell stuff, as I expected, and it warms the cockles of my otherwise frosty heart to know that such sounds are emanating from my home state. If you're not familiar with either of these groups, check out some free samples - Modern Machines here, IfIHadAHiFi here. Pick up the split, see 'em when they come to your town, etc. etc....

"Jews Mess Up U.S."

2006-07-03T21:59:00.000-05:00

Oop, sorry, mis-typed. The headline of Karl Weiss's letter in today's Capital Times was actually "Bible Followers Mess Up U.S.":

Dear Editor: Everything Sen. Joe Lieberman says or does is for Israel. The man is a Zionist. Jews and evangelicals like Bush just love this person and it ALL goes back to that make-believe book called the Bible.

Our government has been taken over by people who believe in fairy tales and mankind has been set back hundreds of years because of this. Stem cell research, birth control and cancer cures have all been stopped by these idiots. Ignorance rules in these United States.

Mr. Weiss put in some pretty remarkable work in the end of his letter, broadening out the scope of his criticisms to include all, er, "Bible-Followers", not just the ones who set the good book aside 3/4ths of the way through (for additional laffs, see the paper version of the Cap Times. I don't happen to have my copy handy at the moment - left it at work - but today's Sound Off* featured a caller who used the word "parasites" to describe the Israeli government. I thought these sorts of pleasures were reserved for Guardian readers. No fair!).

Mr. Weiss probably believes that his skepticism keeps him honest, insulating him from prejudice, received ideas and sloppy thinking (not like those sheep who blindly follow the Mosaic injunction against cancer cures!); too many secularists allow themselves to get carried away by mindless rancour for this reason. I'm a secularist - heck, I'm an atheist - and I've done it myself more than once; more than twice, even. Usually the worst thing that comes out of it is that you look like a colossal fool.

But not always. Progressive ideas can warp your humanity and common sense as much as the stuff those nasty, god-bothering right-wingers believe. I hope that Mr. Weiss isn't giving voice to feelings that other progressives and liberals are too polite to say in public; I hope he's just another grouchy, know-it-all 15-year-old.

[*For those of you who don't live in south central Wisconsin: the Sound Off is a daily feature on the Cap Times's editorial page which reprints the anonymous phone messages of every crank, imbecile and ignoramus who rings up a special phone number. It seems to be fairly common wisdom around here that the opinions found in the Sound Off are usually good for nothing more than bursts of derisive laughter.]

Howdy Neighbor!

2006-06-26T17:52:00.000-05:00

I think Hak Mao must've moved in to my old place on Langdon Street...

"There is a certain sort of young man, who seems to think that leaning out of a balcony window at 02.00 waving a beer can, alternately screaming the same four lines of a Bob Marley song...over and over and over and over again, and baring his buttocks and wiggling the nipples on his ample man-tits at passersby is attractive to women.
He is wrong.

Never Trust a Hippie

2006-06-26T17:17:00.000-05:00

When she's not making a living as a professional talking ass-crack, Ann Coulter apparently likes to listen to really lousy music.

(via The Daily Dish)

Up Your Ass with a Pint from a Glass

2006-04-19T13:10:00.000-05:00

I've said it a million times. Let's make it a million and one: I'm sooo glad I'm not a teenager anymore. It was bad enough in the late '80s and early '90s, when you could hardly pick your nose without some concerned oaf pestering you about drug abuse, suicide or the importance of wearing a bike helmet (this captures the general tenor of the era rather nicely). Kids these days have all of that, but they're also no doubt having to sit through lectures about the drawbacks of shooting your classmates, huffing Drano, cutting and the 'choking game'.

Could it get any worse? It just got worse. From the Stevens Point Journal, under the headline Youth get creative in drug use:

"Drug use among central Wisconsin children isn't the only concern for parents and law enforcement officials, who also worry about dangerous behavior that continues in central Wisconsin youths.

"Huffing, choking and..."

Hold on. I need to take a minute before I can go on. Let me take a deep breath. Alright. Let's try this again.

"Huffing, choking and alcohol enemas are some of the methods children are using to get high,said Wisconsin Rapids Police Detective Phyllis Wesener. Those actions can lead to brain damage or even death."

I dunno, it seems to me that anyone who says that an alcohol enema could lead to brain damage has it exactly backwards. But I feel we must press on.

"The alcohol is absorbed in the intestines and can get the teenager drunk quickly. An alternative method is to soak a tampon in alcohol and insert it."

Dear god man, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DRINK IT????????

"Participants believe there is less chance of getting caught because their breath won't smell of alcohol, although the alcohol will work its way into the system and can be smelled."

...!

"Teenagers are sharing information about the practice online, as Wesener found 15 pages of information on alcohol enemas on the Web in less than five minutes. The pages were from chat rooms and included tips on the best methods to use and actual enema recipes."

As I'm posting this at work, I'll wait until later to google 'alcohol enemas'.

"The alcohol enemas also can have serious consequences, Wesener said. The alcohol can be absorbed quickly, causing dangerously high blood-alcohol concentrations. Someone who passes out might end up in an emergency room with doctors not realizing the person still is absorbing alcohol."

Who are these people? What are their names? Hasn't it occured to them that there may be other ways to mask the tell-tale scent of booze breath? If there really is an epidemic of kids pouring Pabst down the wrong end, then where are the police reports and hospital records and teary-eyed confessions and medical statistics and other kinds of, y'know, proof? Detective Phyllis doesn't point to anything tangible to suggest a rise in this type of behavior, let alone a single verfiable incident - are we just supposed to trust her? Isn't there some kind of rule that says that outlandish claims have to be verified before they can be published in a newspaper?

But forget all that right now. Let's say that this checks out: this is how, in 2006, teenagers throughout America (or at least central Wisconsin) really are getting their kicks (but, like, how do they even do this? Do they self-administer (jeez, as if solo drinking wasn't depresing enough...)? Do kids do this for other kids? Is there some kind of self-regulating rectal drip that you can buy over the counter at Walgreen's™?). If this is true, don't you think it might be a good excuse to step back and maybe re-examine, in the cool blue light of reality, the way alcohol is regulated? Not to put too fine a point on it, but(t): if teenagers are so all-fired desperate for a cocktail that - immediately after adding all the ingrediants, mixing it up in a shaker, pouring it into the properly-shaped glass and tracking down a garnish - they are squirting them up their own assholes, can we declare that any heretofore-attempted 'alcohol-prevention' program has well and truly failed? I would think that this would've been a good question to put to Detective Phyllis at some point in the article; this, along with research, seems like something that the Journal reporter isn't interested in.

I wasn't what you'd call a wild party animal or anything, but I did my share of drinking when I was a teenager; so did most of my friends, few of whom were Blutarskys-in-training. My parents' generation, though - at least, according to my parents - were another matter altogether. When my mom was a teenager in the '50s, the drinking age was a) 18 and b) not enforced. She's told me many stories of youthful blind drunkenness and the adventures that ensued (including but not limited to driving home, which right there is dumber than anything I ever did while sauced-out). A few of her friends from those days ended their lives in booze-induced mishaps; probably more than a few became alcoholics. I'm not claiming that there are no potentially negative consequences to consider.

But beer commercials don't lie: drinking is fun and cool; that's why people do it. This is particularly true in Wisconsin. I have to chuckle at Detective Phyllis's efforts to curb 'teen drinking' in a region which was, economically, practically built on breweries. Even the state government here has only restricted access to booze with great reluctance, and usually at the urging of the feds (most notoriously in the late '80s, when President "Let's Get Big Government Off Our Backs" Reagan's Department of Transportation threatened to withold highway funds to the state unless it raised the drinking age to 21). 'Teens' have been drinking in this state since before anyone called them that, and somehow we were able to make it into the 21st century. No matter how many MADD floats I saw in the homecoming parade or how many retarded videos I watched in health class which purported to show 'the truth' about the dangers of booze, I still wanted to scare up some firewater on the weekend. I don't think that kids today (or kids in the future) are going to magically turn out any different, no matter how much screeching they have to endure.

I realize that its kind of goofy to devote so many words and so much venom to kicking this story's shins - what's easier than poking fun at small-town journalism? But just check out the last two creepy paragraphs:

"Parents should be aware of what children could be doing. Symptoms of the activities are similar to symptoms seen in drug users, she said. If a child has personality changes, becomes withdrawn, changes friends or is acting differently, parents should talk to them. It's also important to question things that seem out of place, like a bottle of cleaner in a child's bedroom.

"Wesener advises parents who believe their children are participating in these activities to take them to a doctor. The first thing is to have the children examined to be sure they haven't caused any permanent damage to themselves. Parents then should take their children to a counselor or other professional to get help in changing the behavior."

What kid wouldn't need a glass (or bag) of beer after that?

At Least We Know How to Properly Spell 'Center' and 'Check' and 'Tire' and...

2006-04-15T23:25:00.000-05:00

Hey! Americans are fat, slobby and stupid and the rest of the world isn't just going to sit back and take it anymore!!

Loud and brash, in gawdy garb and baseball caps, more than three million of them flock to our shores [in the UK - ed.] every year. Shuffling between tourist sites or preparing to negotiate a business deal, they bemoan the failings of the world outside the United States.

The reputation of the 'Ugly American' abroad is not, however, just some cruel stereotype, but - according to the American government itself - worryingly accurate. Now, the State Department in Washington has joined forces with American industry to plan an image make-over by issuing guides for Americans travelling overseas on how to behave.

Under a programme starting next month, several leading US companies will give employees heading abroad a 'World Citizens Guide' featuring 16 etiquette tips on how they can help improve America's battered international image.

Huh. So what will the ignorant Yanqui learn from these handy brochures?

The guide also offers tips on the dangers of dressing too casually, the pluses of learning a few words of the local language, use of hand gestures and even map-reading.

Fine idea, but I find that lessons in the above-mentioned skills are sorely needed by most of the Americans still in America...

I'll Give You $12.50 for 'Polythene Pam'

2006-04-15T22:59:00.000-05:00

Michael Jackson is selling the Beatles catalogue.

One of my favorite rock n roll urban legends - no idea if its true or not - goes like this: relaxing in between takes during the 'Say Say Say'/'The Girl is Mine' sessions, Paul McCartney decided to give his (then) young and inexperienced collaborator some finanacial advice. "You know, Michael," says Sir Paul, "this pop star thing isn't going to last forever. You've got to plan for your future. I suggest you look into some investments like, say, oh, I dunno, real estate or precious metals or...I dunno...song catalogs and the like..."

By time he was back in London, Sir Paul had been sold out by Ringo, George and Yoko...

Emo Kills

2006-04-15T22:16:00.000-05:00

I don't really care too much about the particular moral panic that that dingbat Michelle Malkin's trying to stir up here, but check out that last sentence!

"Have you heard of 'cutting'? If you're a parent, you'd better read up. 'Cutting' refers to self-mutilation -- using knives, razor blades or even safety pins to deliberately harm one's own body -- and it's spreading to a school near you.

"Actresses Angelina Jolie and Christina Ricci did it. So did Courtney Love and the late Princess Diana. On the Internet, there are scores of websites (with titles such as 'Blood Red,' 'Razor Blade Kisses' and 'The Cutting World') featuring 'famous self-injurers,' photos of teenagers' self-inflicted wounds and descriptions of their techniques. The destructive practice has been depicted in films targeting young girls and teens (such as 'Thirteen'). There is even a new genre of music -- 'emo' -- associated with promoting the cutting culture.

Oh, man, if only! As one who spent the latter half of the 1990s at ground zero of the whole midwestern emo situation, I've often wished for those with Romulan haircuts, nerd glasses and flood pants to meet with spectacular and messy injuries, self-inflicted or otherwise.

(via Hit & Run)

Stating the Obvious

2006-04-15T01:51:00.000-05:00

I realize that the only proper response to the statement I'm about to make is a supersonic "DUUUUH!!!"; I furthermore recognize that the content of my message is about as controversial and original as, oh, say, "the sky is blue" and "the grass is green", but: Zacarias Moussaoui is a fucking motherfucking asshole.

"Reasserting his role in Sept. 11, al-Qaida conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui told jurors Thursday he has 'no regret, no remorse,' was disgusted by the heart-rending testimony of victims and relatives and only wished they had suffered more.

Seriously, is someone making this up? I'm can't believe how melodramatically evil this guy is. Does he twist his moustache when he's on the witness stand? Does he rub the palms of his hands together and whisper "Exxxxxxcellent...!" to himself?

"Among his most startling statements, Moussaoui said Army Lt. Col. John Thurman's harrowing account of escaping the burning Pentagon left him with 'regret that he didn't die.'

"He mocked a Navy officer who wept as she described the death of two subordinates in the attack on the Pentagon.

"'I think it was disgusting for a military person' to cry, Moussaoui said of Lt. Nancy McKeown. 'She is military. She should expect people at war with her to want to kill her.'

"Asked if he was happy to hear her sobbing, he said, 'Make my day.'

Honestly now, I know you're trying to play up the whole bizarre-religious-fanatic angle, but don't you think you're laying it on kind of thick?

"He noted many relatives of victims wept on the witness stand, then walked past him in the courtroom and looked his way without crying. 'I find it disgusting that people come here to share their grief over the death of some other person,' he said.

"'I'm glad there was pain, and I wish there will be more pain,' Moussaoui said. 'The children in Palestine and in Chechnya will have pain. I want you to share their pain.'

"So, Spencer asked: 'You have no regret, no remorse?'

"'No regret, no remorse,' Moussaoui responded.

"When he left court after the judge and jury, he yelled: 'God curse America. We will win. It's just a question of time.'

Keeping Up with the Eustons

2006-04-15T01:20:00.000-05:00

I'm spending this Easter weekend visiting relatives and fleeing from horrific storms down here in Tornado Alley. However, I have managed to grab a few spare minutes to read the Euston Manifesto which, for those that aren't familiar, is the latest bit of internet political tomfoolery that's been making the rounds recently. I have to say that I wholeheartedly endorse it, all three versions of it.

Wisconsin Underpants-Related Crime Update

2006-04-11T23:12:00.000-05:00

I'm having a tough time deciding which of these headlines I like better:

Judge talks tough to two-time underwear thief

Man sentenced for underwear incidents

These are actually referring to two separate recent incidents, both of which I first heard of through the usual "goofy news"-type outlets. But there's no substitute for following a tale back to its source. The story referred to by the first headline, in which one Anthony Scholfield of Menomonie, Wisconsin, received a year-long jail term for his theft of 14 pair of womens' underthings, got maybe half a decent-sized paragraph when mentioned on the world's papers and websites; head on over to the Dunn County News page, however, and you'll find a sprawling, epic courtroom drama more akin to one of those god damn Law and Order permutations than something for the "wacky" morning show DJ to read.

"Scholfield was first convicted of felony burglary in December of 2003 after a search of his apartment uncovered more than 850 pairs of stolen women’s underwear. Released after two years’ probation, he repeated the offense in July 2005.

"According to the criminal complaint, his most recent victim, a 24-year-old woman, had ordered a pizza from Jeff and Jim’s Pizza, where Scholfield worked as a delivery man, on July 1 before leaving town for the Fourth of July weekend. When she returned, she noticed that the screen had been removed from a window of her apartment.

"Two recent burglaries that took place near the UW-Stout over the prior Memorial Day weekend alerted Menomonie police to a pattern that resembled Scholfield’s prior mode of operation. A search of the man’s apartment yielded 14 pairs of stolen panties, three of them identified as belonging to the victim."

There's more. Much, much more.

Story #2 lacks the Hitchcockian burn of irresistible, sexualized obsession, instead turning on that eternal human theme: REVENGE!

"A 58-year-old Wausau man was sentenced today to six months of probation after he was caught on videotape hanging underwear from the mirrors of vehicles at the Wausau and Marathon County Parks, Recreation and Forestry Department....

"Police received a complaint in August from Parks Department Director Bill Duncanson, who said bras and panties of all different sizes had been hung on the department’s vehicles 30 to 50 times at night while they were parked on River Drive."

Most distressingly:

"Some of the underwear is new and some seemed to be worn, according to the police report."

From the The Racine Journal Times:

"A police report on the matter said the man acknowledged he had put the underwear on the vehicles, saying he was upset with the parks department because an employee cutting grass at Big Bull Falls Park would blow grass onto him while he sat in a gazebo."

"...another example of the formation of public space"

2006-04-10T22:51:00.000-05:00

I feel like a real dingbat for only just finding out about this post at Ann Althouse's blog; the ensuing discussion of "Punk: Madison style" has attracted over 100 comments, and I weep, wail and gnash my teeth for the dozens of opportunities for snark and smarm that I let slip through my fingers. Pour yourself a drink and enjoy.

BONUS LAFFS: Here's the original Isthmus article that started the whole thing.

Whither Grandma?

2006-04-10T20:23:00.000-05:00

Huh. I've probably listened to Kiss's Deuce 1,000 times, but it was only when I read this post on Breden Halpin's Girl in a Cage blog (which I found thanks to this post from Dr. Frank) that I realized what the opening line of the song is:

Kiss, if you believe Gene Simmons (not sure why you should, except he seems to be less full of shit on the subject of money than anything else), has been a completely cynical moneymaking machine from day one. But this doesn't dim the brilliance of, say, "Deuce". I mean, "get up and get your grandma outta here." No idea what that song is about, but they had me at get your grandma outta here.

What this made me think of immediately was, of course, Terence Trent D'Arby's Dance Little Sister, which begins with the following exhortation:

Get up 'outta' your rockin' chair grandma!
Or rather would you care to dance grandmother?

That was courtesy of The Terence Trent D'Arby Lyrics Site, by the way.

I've been reading Frank Kogan's book, Real Punks Don't Wear Black (which I highly recommend); in the essay Death Rock 2000, he tentatively lays out an observation of a key difference between (trad) white music and (trad) black music:

[Kelis's Caught Out There] jumps right out and away from r&b, from black culture, from music. It's not about empowerment, getting even, taking control - it's not cool, not grace under pressure, not wit and wisdom of wronged sisterhood. It's just plain a scream of hate. She's losing it. Just completely losing it. Out of control. and that's where the song seems more white than black - not that whites lose control more than blacks, but that whites in music lose control more than blacks, because, for some whites, losing control is freedom, breaking out of oneself and one's world...Whereas for blacks, in general, freedom is about gaining control, not losing it.

Interesting theory, Frank. But have you considered the Grandma Factor?

From the Mouths of Babes

2006-04-09T16:08:00.000-05:00

Sit back. Close your eyes. Click here and listen.

Pretty weird, eh? At what point did you decide it was bogus? When I played this the first time, Stacey was in the room, and she pricked up her ears and listened in spite of herself. It was the whole "I will put an end to war" bit that really tipped her off, though it was unusual to hear Mr. "No Regrets" say that he'd been "doin' things that I shouldn't've."

You may be wondering what the meaning of all this is. Oaklander Helena Keeffe "makes art projects that serve as catalysts for social engagement." One day, she had an idea:

"'What if something like this happened to our president. What if he were humbled in some way which caused a profound change in his outlook on life and his role as the leader of our country - turning the aggressive posturing of an all-attack-all-the-time leader into a gentler, wiser soul determined to demonstrate the power of honesty and vulnerability."

With this idea in mind I put out an open call for people to write speeches for President Bush, offering a $50 cash prize."

The audio dispatch from Earth-17 at the front of this post was the winning entry, from some bunch of elementary school kids. Other drafts can be found here. My favorite is from someone - presumably another pre-teen - named Melissa (all spelling and punctuation is hers):

I know I have been a bad president and have come to the conclusion that it is because like Dick Chaney I have eaten too many twinkies. It gives you high blood-sugar!! I am sorry that all I care about is money and using all taxes for bombs to explode things. It is true I must say and it is sad but I love the word explode. Beware children the twinkies might get you!!!!!! It's True

I'm mainly getting kicks out of the weird loopiness of Melissa's entry, but I do have to say that I'm impressed at her knowledge of history - I don't think that I knew about the Twinkie Defense when I was her age.

(via Tim Blair)

"I try to improve a little every day."

2006-04-08T20:10:00.000-05:00

That was the response Noam Chomsky gave me when I asked him which of the post-Teengenerate groups (Raydios, Tweezers or Firestarter) was the best. Then I asked if the US should invade Iran, and he said "You must examine the facts and come to your own conclusion," which is actually a pretty good answer; much better than his usual advice on such matters.

Go ahead and ask him a question yourself - see if you can get a straight answer from him about the Spiderman clone saga, I never could.

(via The Popinjays)

The Truth About Dogs

2006-04-08T19:30:00.000-05:00

I suppose that, as the owner of two cats, I am not to be trusted on matters concerning dogs. But I don't think its feline chavanism that compells me to agree with David Aaronovich:

Fourth, what exactly is ludicrous about not liking dog shit on the pavements next to primary schools, and what about such dislike constitutes a "position"?

My walk to work (along East Mifflin St.) is littered with coiled-up dog feces; I may as well measure it by the number of turds as by feet, yards or miles. Madison has a considerable amount of dog owners, and a considerable amount of those appear to be irresponsible bozos who don't care to clean up after their animals. Nobody has hit our lawn yet; if that happens, I may have to resort to my co-worker Chuck's solution. In his yard, he's posted a sign that reads "WANT A DEAD DOG? LET HIM CRAP HERE!!"

So far, no takers.

Life with Larry

2005-11-17T18:09:00.000-06:00

Hey!! Look!! Lookout, even!! Larry Livermore's got a blog! I'll put it in the link bar (which is beginning to look like the pantheon of MaximumRockNRoll columnists circa 1995 - does Lali Donovan have a blog? How 'bout Sam McPheeters?) on the side for future reference. I always liked Larry's writing, although I gotta say he's not doing himself any favors calling his page larylivermore.com, since that's not actually what the url is. Anyway, have fun.

The Wolverton Pack

2005-10-24T19:34:00.000-05:00

I saw this in the paper this weekend; its credited to one Monte Wolverton. Monte is no doubt related to this guy. No one else draws Like That; furthermore, no one else has such an uncommon, memorable last name.

I really dig the Miers drawing. It works as caricature - that pointy nose! those wire-thin lips! - and as a kind of nifty-looking cartoon in its own right. But I'm especially impressed with the fact that Wolverton drew all those individual spaghetti-strands of her hair.

Surely I Can't Be the First to Have Thought of This

2005-10-24T19:10:00.000-05:00

From The Independent:

Dead parrot did have killer strain of bird flu

"The first case of the H5N1 strain of bird flu, which has already killed 61 people in the Far East, has been identified in Britain.

"Scientists confirmed last night that a parrot, imported from Surinam in South America, contracted and died from the disease while in a quarantine unit in southern England. The parrot, which died on 16 October, was part of a consignment of 148 birds imported from Surinam that had been housed in a quarantine unit along with 216 exotic birds from Taiwan, where the virus has been found.

"The parrot's owner later attempted to return the deceased bird to the store from which it had been purchased, demanding a full refund. The success of this effort has yet to be determined; when asked to comment, the owner of the store in question insisted that the parrot was 'just resting' or possibly 'pining for the fjords.'"

Okay, the last paragraph was a joke, haw haw haw. But how can it be that I'm the first and, as far as I know, thus far the only person to make this joke? I mean, really, it came to me within seconds of hearing the words "dead parrot" and "Britain" in the same sentence. Is everyone else out there asleep at the wheel?

Oh, right, I forgot: this is the dreaded avian flu, which will infect everyone, wreck the economy, bring martial law to the US and reduce the population of the earth to just you and Charleton Heston and you'll have nothing to do but shoot at vampire zombies at night and watch an old fucked-up print of Woodstock during the day. Well. Sorry I spoiled your bad time.

I Hope Tomorrow Comes...

2005-10-22T01:30:00.000-05:00

...so I can see Wisconsin's first spaceport!

If built, it will be located in Sheboygan ("an ideal site, says one expert, because failed flights would fall harmlessly into Lake Michigan"). Until recently, my grandparents were located in Sheboygan, so I know the place pretty well. Currently, the best band in the world is located in Sheboygan; its from their 2002 CD ...Date Your Daughters that the title of this post comes. Clever, eh? While you're waiting for the space age to reach the hinterlands, you should check 'em out.

Andre the Giant May Have a Posse...

2005-10-22T01:01:00.000-05:00

...but Samoa Joe has a MySpace page!! Holy shit!!

I smiled for ten minutes straight when I learned that his interests include "Music, Women, Martial Arts, Fine Dining, Eastern Philosphy, Social Awareness, Pro Wrestling."

Check out his blog while you're up.

Choke Your Chicken

2005-10-22T00:47:00.000-05:00

No, really:

"Aussie animal lovers are up in arms about a dancing chicken toy which squawks and slaps his wings when strangled, slamming the Taiwanese novelty as 'grossly irresponsible', AP reports.

"The Choke-a-Chicken is imported into Oz by Jaycar Electronics, which pitches the electronic pet at kiddies over three. The blurb explains:

'The Choke-A-Chicken flaps and waddles around doing the Chicken Dance, clucking and flapping its wings in sync with the Chicken Dance melody. Grab him by the neck and he will squawk and cluck like mad, flapping his wings and feet wildly as if he is really being choked. Put him down and he will waddle off, singing and dancing as he goes.'"

You're always promising yourself that you'll get your Christmas shopping done early, right? Well, thank me later.

"A problem remained - lint and hair."

2005-10-21T23:54:00.000-05:00

Behold! The CarpetFlick!

Sounds like a nifty device, but one thing doesn't seem quite right: the name. CarpetFlick? I dunno. "Flick" for some reason conjures up visions of something unpleasant and biological; this is something you'd think they'd wanna play down. (I mean, look at some of the great cleaning-product names of the past: Comet, Kleenex, Lux...) Plus, I would think that the Boys in Marketing would frown on anything that starts with "F" and ends with "CK"...

(hat tip: The Dynamist)

Madison Rock City

2005-10-21T18:00:00.000-05:00

I have vast reserves of goodwill built up toward the Gore Gore Girls. Not only do they put out fun, loud records (both Strange Girls and Up All Night are well worth your sheckels), not only does their whole aesthetic appeal to me in a very primal sort of way, but I'm also touched by their seeming determination to visit every backwoods, out-of-the-way hamlet they can reasonably afford to. Not only have they dropped by Madison more than once, but a quick glance at their tour schedule shows that they didn't forget such rolling metropolii as Morgentown, WV or Las Cruces, NM or or Victor, ID or Bozeman, MT or Rock Island, IL. As a hick from the sticks myself, I appreciate it.

The unfortunate side of this is that sometimes you have dates like last night's show at the High Noon. Oh, the GGGs were good enough; certainly worth leaving the house for. And man, can that Amy Surdu ever sing or what? Watching someone who's got a real voice and isn't afraid to use it has been a pleasure that I've come to appreciate more and more in recent years. Most of the groups I go see aren't exactly famous for their overwhelming instrumental prowess; they can usually fake it well enough, which is more than enough for me (I mean, otherwise I may as well go see Dream Theater) (which I have no intention of doing) (ever). You can't fake a golden set of pipes, though, and the physical sensation you get from standing next to someone with a great, big voice is worth the admission price every time.

Sadly, not a lot of people seemed to care, as last night's show was one of the sparest, attendance-wise, that I've been to at the HN. I assume this is due to a combination of poor promotion, the fact that it was a weeknight show, competition in the form of another, more heavily-publicized and hipper show downtown (featuring these party animals; Dream Theater indeed) and the almost congenitally poor taste in music that Madison has collectively displayed since about 1966. Well, thanks anyway, Gore Gore Girls; I only hope that all the beat junkies in Rock Island can pick up our slack.

I Feel the Need...the Need...for SCREED!

2005-10-19T23:58:00.000-05:00

Although I think that 70% of his politics are pure nonsense, I really enjoy reading James Lileks's Screedblog. I was skeptical at first when he spun it off from the regular ol' Daily Bleat, but now I think the whole scheme works great: it frees him up to go on about the dog and the back yard and the White Star Tuna ad from a 1932 issue of Look that he's obsessing over in the Bleat; later, after the kid's gone to bed, he can get all rudo. Its fun to read the distilled nastiness all there in one place, uncut by this or that random tale of domestic bliss.

So anyway, I suppose I ought ot make a note of it when I see something on there that I find both funny and right-on. So check it out. The bit about "le panique attaq" cracked me up.

Handsome Dan to Gorgeous George: F you.

2005-09-13T01:46:00.000-05:00

British MP George Galloway (along with Jane Fonda) will be making a stop here in Madison, Wisconsin on his current anti-war speaking tour on September 18. As is the case with any anti-war event here, this one is sure to be well-attended. The thing is, do these attendees know exactly who George Galloway even is or what his views exactly are? Lucky for them, they can check out our very own Handsome Dan's opinion piece in the Capital Times. Christopher Hitchens also had a piece in Slate today: George Galloway is Gruesome, Not Gorgeous, that addressed most of the same issues, only at greater length.

Paul Bucher Needs a Drink

2005-08-09T23:14:00.000-05:00

This column in the Washington Post RE: parents serving their own (and other peoples') children alcohol in supervised situations (and the undeserved legal hassle they can expect as a result) has generated plenty of interesting commentary; I won't try to top the posts on Reason's Hit & Run and Obsidian Wings.

However, as I'm always on the lookout for the local angle, I would like to point out that, of all the cretinous busybodies in the original article, the biggest asshole appears to be a Wisconsinite:

"The Virginia case mentioned above is troubling for another reason: The cops raided that home without a search warrant. This is becoming more and more common in jurisdictions with particularly militant approaches to underage drinking. A prosecutor in Wisconsin popularized the practice in the late 1990s when he authorized deputies to enter private residences without warrants, 'by force, if necessary,' when there was the slightest suspicion of underage drinking. For such 'innovative' approaches, Paul Bucher won plaudits from Mothers Against Drunk Driving, which awarded him a place in the 'Prosecutors as Partners' honor roll on the MADD Web site."

Emphasis mine. Man, this Paul Bucher guy sounds like a serious asshole. What else is he up to, I wonder?

Apparently he plans to run for state Attorney General - lovely.

He opposes current AG Peg Lautenschlager's endorsement of a recent ACLU suit against the state of Wisconsin which demands that the state pay domestic partner benefits for state employees. He does? Oh yes he does. Apparently he thinks that "[t]he State’s taxpayers actually had a right to expect that the Attorney General would represent the interests of the majority of the citizens of this state. Is that too much to ask?" I'm sure that his position is solely motivated by concerns for legal propriety and is in no way designed to court the votes of empty-headed homophobes.

And, finally, he has a blog. The 'comments' function seems to be disabled for some reason; I'm sure its purely accidental, as any aspiring public official would surely welcome the input of his potential consistuants. I'd put him up on the blogroll but, gosh, I think I've just about run out of room.

In closing, let me quote my favorite passage from the mysterious von's post on Obsidian Wings; surely, it would be a dereliction of duty for an alcohol-themed blog to not highlight these words:

"...America remains utterly wacked-out about alcohol. If ever a nation needed a stiff drink, this one does. It will not be the end of the world if your teenage kid has a beer in your presence; nor will Western Civilization (further) decline as a result of a couple of Zimas at a slumber party.

"Since I realize that our peculiar brand of neo-Puritanism is totally the fault of my Protestant forefathers, I'd like to offer the following on behalf of my people:

"Sorry."

What he said.

The Onion-Flavored Rings Almost Rock My Socks Off!

2005-08-09T22:33:00.000-05:00

I'm always complaining about the lack of respectable rock 'n' roll shows here in Madison; its something of a hobby of mine. So you can bet I was excited when, wandering down Williamson St., I noticed a flyer stuck to someone's mailbox announcing that the Onion Flavored Rings were going to play at 10:00 at the Nottingham co-op. I guess the hour was a little late, but, then again, I had (and have) no particular reason or motivation to show up on time for work tomorrow.

But it was all too good to be true. A quick check at the OFR's website put a stop to all the excitement: the show happened at 10:00PM yesterday. It looks as though I won't be attending my first r'n'r show of the summer until, uh, mid-September.

Official AlcO-bEAt Alco-hol for 8/9/05

2005-08-09T21:52:00.000-05:00

Point Special Lager

I like Point a great deal but, I must admit, its probably mostly for sentimental reasons. Growing up and learning to drink in a town not half an hour away from Stevens Point, Point beer was always cheap, accessible and plentiful. The fact that it was the closest major(-ish) brewery in north-cenral Wisconsin stirs my nascent regional pride to a degree that is probably undeserved (and if I really cared about local brews I'd be downing whatever 60-year-old unopened bottles of Red Ribbon that are still out there). Drinking it today, I detect a very Pabst-y taste, always a good thing. I say check it out; you can get a six-pack of bottles at Star Liquor for $4.99.

It's a Dan's World

2005-08-09T00:07:00.000-05:00

I'd just like to point out that the temporarily-Dan-Savage-helmed Daily Dish is a real hoot and you should check it out, if you haven't already. He's only going to be there for a week, so hurry up!

(I know, like Andrew Sullivan needs me to round up readers for him...)

The Boy Looked at Julie

2005-08-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

Hey! Look! It's Julie Burchill!

The whole reason I even started reading the Guardian online was because Julie Burchill wrote a weekly column. For awhile after she left for the Times, I mysteriously wasn't able to access her columns (even with the help of the indispensible BugMeNot). But now, for some reason, they're up! For those of you who just can't get enough of the author of the best book on punk rock ever written (well, 50% of the authors of the b.b.o.p.r.e.w.), check these out:

Yep, the Hijab Does a Wonderful Job Protecting Women

A Truckload of Bitchery is the Healthy Option

Actors? Give Me the Drama of BB Any Day

Why Should We Tolerate These Islamofascists Who Hate Us All?

Enjoy the truckload of bitchery.

UPDATE: Well, look what four seconds worth of Googling will get you: here's an even larger selection of her Times columns, courtesy of the Unofficial Julie Burchill Page of Ambition and Modernity. Look for said page -which contains plenty of extra Julie from all previous and current eras - over on the blogroll.

So Does That Mean Blair = Dr. Doom, Bush = Galactus, Howard = I dunno, the Mole Man...?

2005-08-08T22:07:00.000-05:00

Grouchy Muslim terrorists in Great Britain are motivated solely by their opposition to the Iraq war, right?* Just ask the "Saviour Sect:"

"The reporter became a member of the sect three weeks before the July 7 bombings. From the start he was taught that it was his duty to destroy the kuffar. Moderate Muslims who did not believe in the overthrow of the British government and its replacement by an Islamic state were held in equal disdain.

"Within days of joining, he witnessed seven Saviour Sect members beating up a member of the moderate Young Muslim Organisation in an East End street because they believed he had insulted their version of Islam.

"...

"Speaking to a group of teenagers and families, he [Omar Brooks, whoever that is, although I'd like to point out that you don't often run into a guy whose first name is 'Omar' and whose last name is 'Brooks.' Wasn't it George Carlin who observed that 'you never meet a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?' I wonder if Mr. Brooks - Omar - ever heard that one. Anyway...] declared it was imperative for Muslims to 'instil terror into the hearts of the kuffar' and added: 'I am a terrorist. As a Muslim of course I am a terrorist.'

"The 30-year-old, who claims to have had military training in Pakistan, said he did not want to go to Allah while sleeping in his bed 'like an old woman'. Instead: 'I want to be blown into pieces with my hands in one place and my feet in another.'"

Well, good luck with that. I for one sincerly hope that Mr. Brooks - y'know, Omar - gets his wish, although I'd prefer something a little more exciting than a boring ol' suicide attack. I'm thinking something along the lines of, say, being shot nine times by members of the London PD, being shot several more times by the US Marines (wouldn't you better be able to serve the ummah in Iraq?) or - dare we dream? - spontaneous human combustion. All the same, Brooks - I mean Omar - ought not to knock the old lady lifestyle until he tries it. I've been behaving in a manner befitting an old woman for years now - adding cats to my household, not leaving my apartment, peeking through the blinds at all those damn kids in the neighborhood - and I personally can't recommend it highly enough.

I haven't even bothered to reproduce the most offensive part of this story. You really wanna see it? You sure? Alright, you asked for it:

"In the immediate aftermath [of the July 7 London attacks] the sect’s leader, Omar Bakri Mohammed, said: 'For the past 48 hours I’m very happy.' Two weeks later he referred to the bombers as the 'fantastic four'.

Did you catch it? This douchebag favorably compared a bunch of homicidal, superstitious dipshits to Mr. Fantastic, Human Torch, Invisible Woman and the Thing!!! What I wanna know is: where the fuck are Avi Arad and Stan "Thee Man" Lee and, more importanly, their lawyers? I think there's been a serious breach of intellectual property rights here, and someone deserves to get sued over this.

I think Bakri knows that he's in some hot water with this one.

"Yesterday Bakri said he had no connections to a group in east London but said that he did attend prayers and preach to up to 15 people. He denied using the words 'fantastic four'."

[via Hak Mao]

*This is not to insinuate that every British Muslim (or non-British Muslim, or non-British non-Muslim, etc.) opposed to the war is a potential homicidal maniac. Blah blah blah, you know what I mean...

Courtesy of the Green, Amber and Red (The Angry Pedestrian)

2005-08-08T21:31:00.000-05:00

I realize that, especially to people who live in large cities and not in the hinterlands, this complaint will seem downright bizarre. No doubt the crankiest motorists in the US terrorize the roadways of LA, Chicago or Seattle (Why Seattle? I've heard several horror stories about Seattle drivers. Maybe the rainy season throws 'em all into a powerful collective bout of seasonal affective disorder, maybe they're still grumpy about the Fastbacks breaking up...); a pedestrian is vastly less likely to be killed by a motorist here as there. When it does happen, it probably won't be the result of malice or road rage but simple geriatric fogginess.

That said, none of the many sins that Madison drivers commit piss me off more than this:

So I'm walking down the street. I come to an unmarked crosswalk. Not even a particularly busy one, say, I dunno, the corner of East Mifflin and Ingersoll. A car's coming, and I remember what my mother told me to do in that situation. I wait, figuring it doesn't matter whether I get to the other side of the street in 7 seconds or 13 seconds.

Now a normal driver would just zip right along through the intersection; the only reason they'd pay any attention to me at all would be to make sure I didn't absent-mindedly wander into their path. But - and this only ever happens to me in Madison - very often I'll get a special driver, one who is sensitive to my needs as a pedestrian. They recognize that, look, we all wanna get across the street here, and its really just an accident of fate that they happen to be in a car and I happen to be on foot. And why is it fair that they, the motorist, always gets to go first? Why are their needs more important than mine? What, just because they're in a heavy steel machine moving at a high rate of speed and I'm just a soft, pink, slow, fragile creature? How fair is that? They sure wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot...

How does this concerned citizen address this grievously unequal situation? Often as not, they'll STOP RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE INTERSECTION (sometimes screeching to a halt), right in front of where I'm waiting patiently and, with a grin that says Hey, man, we're all in this together, waves me through.

Despite what these lambs may have intended, this usually adds several seconds to my crossing, as its not always immediately clear if they're just slowing down, or turning, or pausing to get their bearings or what. Also, its a good bet that there are cars coming from the other direction driven by people with less immediate concern for my feelings, which means I've got to wait anyway. If I'm really lucky, there'll be cars BEHIND the first driver, each one piloted by someone who wants to go home to their families, get to work on time, go to the mall and drink a giant cup of soda, drive around town aimlessley for an hour or do anything but sit in the road and get roped into this nincompoop's charitable activity. And finally, there's me, suddenly the center of much unwelcome attention, under pressure to cross as quickly as possible so we can all get on with out lives and resentful of this dickhead and his need to demonstrate what a swell guy he is.

I always hurry to the other side, embarrassed and wanting to put an end to the whole scene. But someday I'm gonna flip him the bird, or kick his bumper as he finally goes by, or toss a rock through his windshield while he sits there or just wait. I wonder how long I'd have to stand on the corner pretending not to see before he got the hint: Waitaminute, this guy is a fricking adult, I bet he knows how to make it across the street without the timely intervention some good samaritan in a Yukon...

Of course, knowing this place, he'd just get out and offer to hold my hand...

"They played their songs, and it was awesome"

2005-08-08T14:41:00.000-05:00

Sigh. Normally, any kind of news involving 1) Teengenerate re-uniting and 2) playing shows in the US would also involve joyful spasms and shudders and emanations on the part of yours truly. Such news arrived earlier this summer but with a cruel twist: there were to be only two shows, both in NYC, both during a time when I wouldn't be able to make it out.

So it looks like I'll have to be content with my old records, my memories of the time I saw 'em in Green Bay (Novemeber 1995, still the best show I've ever seen or will ever likely see), and this report, from which the headline is taken. Come back to the midwest!

"Pizza With A Conscience"

2005-06-06T22:17:00.000-05:00

I dunno what James Lileks is so worked up about - I think Galactic Pizza sounds pretty cool. It looks like Rev. Norb had to return to the pizza delivery game, though; tough break, dude. And I do have to say that I was really hoping that the "Message For Vegans" would be "YOU SUCK!"

Karen Finley, Tom Cruise and Proofreading

2005-06-06T10:49:00.000-05:00

I haven't read, The Huffington Post, too often, and I, frankly, don't see, what the big deal is. But if this post, by Karen Finley, is any indication, they are in serious need, of a copyeditor:

"For God’s Sake, or should I say, for Ron Hubbard’s sake? I don’t see what all the fuss is, with Tom Cruise and Scientology. Tom Cruise, is no different than our President, or many of our world citizens, in expressing church rhetoric, finding religion and expressing their faith on company time. Tom, whose own Father, abandoned his family, as a child, displays symptoms of extreme Father Hunger. In interviews, Mr. Cruise is passionate in expressing a distant void with his Father. God, religion becomes the replacement for Daddy Love. Ron Hubbard, becomes the perfect, Science-Fiction, Pagan Idol to transfer the need of devoted son."

The actual content of this is pretty funny as well. Check out her thoughts on the Tom Cruise/Brooke Shields flap (Flap? Apparently Maverick publicly criticized La Shields for turning to psychotherapy and Prozac during a recent bout with post-partum depression. I'd never heard of this until I read about it in Finley's post, so I dunno if that counts as a 'flap' or not. Anyway...):

"Brooke Shields, is a fascinating choice for his public criticism. It is revealing, that the most powerful actor in Hollywood needs to criticize a woman, a mother suffering from depression to rationalize his vulnerable, belief system. Or, that he feels his character disorder is threatened by Ms. Shields public admission.
Sounds like misogyny to me.

"We will never know if Tom would get post- partum depression if he could have a baby. Tom adopted his children with ex-wife, Nicole Kidman. I am sure under Cruise Control Nicole didn’t get depressed. And in real life, men can’t have babies."

Finley is a performance artist; maybe this is her latest piece...?

Pop AND sense?

2005-06-04T13:53:00.000-05:00

We here at AlcO-bEAt aren't very sensible ourselves, but I've got to second Harry's recommendation to check out Popsensible, which bills itself as the home of one or more "sensible pop-culturalists." Right on, man. I'd put 'em on the blogroll for the Ramones wallpaper alone, but this description of the first ginger blows of the Hitchens-Mickelthwaite-Leonard-Hattersley tag match from the much-written-about Hay Festival is the best I've read:

"Micklethwaite – in the contrarian spirit occasionally found in the pages of The Economist – begins by painting the Bush administration as the default visionary radicals of foreign affairs who should be commended in their stated commitment to freedom and democracy, if not for their many flaws (from Guantanamo Bay to Uzbekistan). In spite of this intentionally challenging introduction, Micklethwaite has to compete for audience attention with the grimacing Hattersley who, in attempting indignation, looks like he’s shat himself."

One More

2005-06-04T02:34:00.000-05:00

Phil Spector to Universe: Fuck You
Originally uploaded by alco-beat.

Which is not to say I wouldn't wear a 'Back to Mono' button if I could find it.

I like this one best.

Another Weird Phil Spector Pic

2005-06-04T02:33:00.000-05:00

Phil Spector with gun
Originally uploaded by alco-beat.

Despite what the bottom of the post says, this is Dan wasting all your time with this nonsense about Phil Spector. For the record, I always liked him better as a songwriter than a producer; I thought the 'Wall of Sound' was vastly over-rated both in concept and execution.

Phil Spector: Bizarre Lunatic

2005-06-04T02:27:00.000-05:00

Loony Phil
Originally uploaded by alco-beat.

Certainly you saw this photo last week when it was making the rounds. If not, here ya go: definitive proof that Phil Spector is nuttier than a fruitcake or a shithouse rat or whatever it is that the kids use to measure craziness by these days (For my money, the Phil Spector trial smokes the Michael Jackson trial for sheer weirdness. Speaking of which, Drudge provided a singularly unpleasant detail - as he so often does - from the final moments of the latter. 'Ew' doesn't quite begin to cover it...)

Not that that any big suprise for anyone who'd taking even a passing interest in the man's life and work up till now. Sure, you've probably heard all those stories about Phil pointing pistols at everyone from John Lennon to the Ramones. But the true Spectorainia fiend is advised to head straight to the book store and pick up a cheap used copy of Ronnie Spector's autobiography, called - what else? - Be My Baby. Flip over to the part where, long since forced into early retirement and virtual house arrest by her jealous maniac of a husband, Ronnie is about to go ape with cabin fever. She pesters Phil to let her have a car so that she might, y'know, leave the house every now and again. After several weeks of being nagged, Phil gives in and presents his long-suffering spouse with a new ride in the driveway; Ronnie is delighted. But hold on, says Phil, I haven't even shown you the best part yet...

"I was amazed as when he reached into the trunk of my brand-new car and pulled out that life-sized inflatable plastic mannequin.

'What do you think?' he asked, holding it in the air like a giant trophy. I didn't know what to say. The thing was as big as he was, and it was dressed in a pair of his best pants and a freshly ironed shirt. In fact, the thing looked exactly like Phil in every way, except that its knees were bent in a permanent sitting position. 'Well,' I said. 'It's you, right?' He nodded his head.

'C'mon,' he said. 'Is it perfect or what?'

'Yeah. Its...really...' I paused, wracking my brain for the right word. 'Perfect. But, Phil. What is it supposed to do?'

'I'll show you,' he said. I watched in utter amazement as he walked to the passenger door, opened it, and carefully placed the inflatable Phil in the bucket seat. Then he fastened a seat belt across the guy's lap, straightened its shirt collar, and adjusted the cloth hat that sat on top of the thing's pink plastic head. 'There,' he said, stepping back. 'Oh, wait,' he added. 'Almost forgot the finishing touch.'

Then he ran back over to the inflatable man, pulled out a cigarette, and fitted it into the thing's mouth. Finally, he slammed the door and stood back. 'Tah-daah!' he said, turning to me with a crooked little smile. 'What do you think?'

'It's great, Phil,' I said, and I wasn't lying. Sitting there like that this plastic guy really did look almost real. 'But I still don't get it,' I said. 'Why do I want it to look like there's somebody in the car with me when there isn't?'

'Don't you get it?' he asked in a tone of voice that made me feel like I must've missed something. 'It's for when you're driving alone.' I still looked completely confused, so he spelled it out for me. 'Now nobody will fuck with you when you're driving alone.'

So that was it. Phil had actually gone to the trouble of making a dummy of himself to watch over me when he wasn't around. I was wondering if he'd gone insane as I watched him make a few last-minute adjustments in the tilt of the guy's hat. He really was proud of his little masterpiece.

I wonder if, after Phil takes a ride in the gas chamber, they'll put the inflatable Phil in the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame?

Oh, note to Suge Knight: this may be your future.

Cultural Imperialism?

2005-06-04T01:42:00.000-05:00

Here's Andrew Anthony writing in the Guardian about Shaima Rezayee.

"Take the case of Shaima Rezayee, the video jockey on an MTV-like programme in Afghanistan. She was one of the first women to drop the veil on Afghan TV after the fall of the Taliban. She was sacked from her job a few months back. A couple of weeks ago she was shot dead in Kabul.

"Before an arrest has been made, an article in this week's New Statesman attacks the press reaction: 'British newspapers loved the story, portraying Rezayee as a photogenic, Madonna-loving martyr to the anti-Islamist, pro-western cause.' Actually, hardly any newspapers covered the story, but I can't see what is wrong in portraying someone as a photogenic, Madonna-loving martyr to the anti-Islamist, pro-western cause, if that's what she was.

"...

"In the New Statesman piece, the writer goes on to reassure readers that female broadcasters across the Arab world are not running similar risks. Apparently, women on television can wear what they want in Muslim countries, or at least they can on Al-Jazeera, the TV channel the writer visited. The writer ended with a warning about Rezayee's legacy: '... to turn her into some sort of MTV martyr does a disservice to other Muslim women'.

"To which one can only ask, why? Is it culturally imperialist to suggest that Rezayee might have been killed for what she wore and said? And how can that be a disservice to other Muslim women? The truth is that women are severely limited in their lifestyle choices off and on television through most of the Muslim world. If you want, you could argue that such a situation is good for society at large, but you can't say it doesn't exist, or that women like Rezayee aren't taking a dangerous stand."

(thanx to Hak Mao)

Collared!

2005-06-04T01:29:00.000-05:00

I actually do read people who don't write for Reason, really I do. But this is bigger than the lack of diversity in my reading habits; Julian Sanchez says what needs to be said.

Now if only we can get men to stop wearing fucking flip-flops...

TV Finales are Over, or, Why I Might Just Kill Myself

2005-05-28T03:29:00.000-05:00

Being a self-professed TV junkie, finale time is always super depressing for me. The regular TV season is very comforting to me, and may be the only aspect of my life that I actually enjoy planning. Even though my school, work, social and family lives are unpredictable and difficult, I could always count on watching Survivor on Thursdays at 7; or on Wednesdays when they had to move it around due to "March Madness" or some other horseshit. On Tuesday evenings when I had class, I had to remember to remind Dan to tape Amazing Race. And Wednesday evenings, with the Lost-Alias combo, had become a reliable and comfortable--yet incredibly suspenseful-- way for me to spend an evening. So now, with all my regular shows having concluded over the past few weeks, I'm entering the typical end-of-season depression I'm prone to. I imagine it will gradually get better, as is usually the case, as I find other shows to bide my time. CBS will be doing another season of Big Brother here soon (another one of my perennially trashy faves), and there's always fare on cable that I enjoy (Dog the Bounty Hunter, Airline, Mythbusters, Animal Cops, Wonder Showzen, South Park, etc.). But it's really just not the same. Summer just isn't long enough to create that lulling regularity that you get from a regular TV season. The networks don't even run reruns IN ORDER, which totally sucks. I try to tell myself it's a good thing-- I could read a book or get some schoolwork done, or spend more time at the movies. But I'm pretty damn tired of schoolwork at this point, and my moviegoing habits are nothing short of rabid devotion already. So I'm left to pine for Fall, and new TV shows. And these are the shows I'll miss the most:

1. ALIAS
I'm kind of a later-comer to ALIAS, and I feel like a fool because of it. I remember when the show first started in 2001, I wasn't really watching much TV. It was a few weeks after the whole 9/11 event, and my head just wasn't in the right place for watching much of anything aside from news. Getting entangled into the fine plotlines of a new serial spy thriller just didn't appeal to me then. I sort of paid attention to Alias here and there, and caught a few episodes when I thought of it. Every time I did, I thought "Wow, this show is really cool. Wish I understood what they were talking about." I finally started watching regularly in season 3, figuring I'd pick it up. I've found season 4 has made sense overall to me, but I figured I'd have a better grasp if I just rented the first two seasons. I thought about doing it all year, but my school schedule was making the prospect seem unlikely. Because when I rent tv shows on DVD, I generally end up doing NOTHING ELSE other than watching said tv show. It's like crack for a tv lover's soul-- an ENTIRE SEASON of a show, just sitting there enticing you to watch just one more episode. Cliffhangers? No prob--just pop in the next disk!! I finally made good on renting Alias once my spring semester ended earlier this month. I went ahead and got the whole first season, since it was only 22 episodes. I had 5 days, but I had them finished by the end of the weekend. Dan returned those for me and got me Season 2's first and second disks. The next few were checked out by someone else, so I'm kind of in Alias limbo right now. But at least I had the season 4 finale to tide me over this week!
So yeah....the Alias finale ruled! Especially the final scene in the car: "My name's not really Michael Vaughn." BAM. What the hell?! It raises a lot of questions, and since I'm really fresh off season 1, I'm in total goofy speculation mode. I'm glad they managed to bring Lena Olin on board, too, at least for the finale.

2. LOST
I was a little doubtful of this modern day Gilligan's Island at first, but became hooked pretty quickly. I'm actually glad that the show hasn't pandered to the audience too much, and has left more questions open rather than answering them. It makes it all a little high-concept, which I'm willing to live with, because it seems there are too few shows out there willing to be this balls-out about unsolved eerie mysteries. It all speaks to one of my big fears in life, being LOST. I have a SERIOUS map addiction, and I'm not trying to be funny here. Whenever I'm traveling somewhere, I have to have a map close at hand to trace the routes, learn place and geographic names, and just to orient myself spatially. Without a map I get panicky, and get that awful, awful feeling of being lost. The idea of being not only in a plane crash (one of my huge fears), and with no idea of where you are is simply terrifying.
Lost has totally permeated into even my subconsciousness, as I recently had a pretty scary dream about being one of the castaways. "The Others" attacked me and stole some of my real-life work materials--some reel-to-reel tapes I'm digitizing. For some reason this caused a real breakdown for me. Maybe that's just my subconscious worrying about work manifesting itself in a creative way, but I dunno. I woke up all panicked and freaked out. Oh yeah, and Locke taught me how to throw daggers and stuff.
Season 2 will have a lot of questions to grapple with, if not answer, and I'm sure there are more strange surprises on the way. Now that the hatch has been physically opened, someone will be climbing down there in the season debut. We'll definitely get more on who the "Others" are, as the show will probably follow Walt on his own, at least a little bit. Are the "Others" supernatural pirates? Was Rousseau's kid on the boat? What about the numbers? How are the dudes from the raft going to survive? And here's a question I haven't seen a single news article speculate on: Are there any other survivors from flight 815? Jack's flashback from the airport with fellow flight passenger (from the rear of the plane) Michelle Rodriguez seems to indicate the possibility, especially considering articles noting that she will be "joining the cast" this fall.
All in all, I thought it was an excellent finale, it laid out some good groundwork for the future, and it gives us plenty to speculate on for the summer. Others are more grumpy and disagree, but I think they're just being trigger-happy.

3. THE AMAZING RACE
This has been my favorite show since it's debut a few years ago, but I'm ranking it at number three perhaps because I am suspicious that this fall's "Family Amazing Race" is probably going to not be as good as regular ol' Amazing Race. Leave it to the geniuses at CBS to screw up a perfectly AWESOME show. I'm convinced that someone in the upper levels at CBS really hates this show, or Phil Keoghan (I dunno why, cuz he rules!), because it seems like there have been waaay too many attempts to sideline this show along the way. Jerkfaces.

4. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
I'd read a bit about the show before it started and thought it was intriguing enough to give a try. I don't know much about Housewifery, except what I've learned from the movies and 1950s sitcoms. I find the show pretty entertaining, and love the whole what-looks-perfect-really-isn't factor, but would it kill ABC to not air promos that give away vital show information? That's why I watch the show, ABC, I don't need you to tempt me with the most vital tidbits ahead of time!
I hope there are some new characters to shake things up a bit in the next season. I'm already tiring of Susan and her shrill tones and sunken-in cheek-bones.

5. SURVIVOR
I can't miss my Survivor. A lot of people cut out after watching a few seasons, but I've been devoted to Survivor since the beginning. The show is in danger of becoming a tad stale, but they've done a pretty good job the past few seasons of trying to mix things up a little without totally wrecking the true essence of the show. I'm still waiting for a true Celebrity Survivor. And I want like Christopher Walken, Robert Duvall, Jennifer Lopez, and Cameron Diaz insead of the people they got for "I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!"

6. AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
I hate models, but this show RULES! It's hard to explain to people why its worth giving a chance; the weird challenges the girls have to do, the bitchy exchanges between contestants, the bulimia charges, or just watching that hideous malformed gorgon, Janice Dickinson. Modeling is hard!

7. ER
I've been watching ER all along, and missed maybe 2 seasons along the way. I'm interested in the characters, but repelled by the blood and medical procedures. It's tough!

8. THE APPRENTICE
I hate business and Donald Trump but I watch The Apprentice! I guess what I'm struck by every week the most, is the ludicrous nature of the challenges. I don't have an MBA or JD, but I think I could match wits and ideas with these people just fine. Would they let someone with an MLIS (master's of library science) in the mix? Probably not, because then someone would have to explain to Donald Trump, and the general TV audience that there is such a degree, and why it is needed, what it involves, etc. I don't want to work for "the Don", but it would be cool to win the Apprenticeship job and say, "You know, I think I'm going to turn down your offer and work at the Library of Congress. So suck it."

9. THE BACHELOR
Yes, I know this show is bad. Really bad. It's ultra-formulaic, even with all the crazy "twists" they thought they were throwing in this season. Every new Bachelor gets worse in terms of an undefinable "douchebag factor". Charlie "Now we're cookin'...with gas!" O'Connell was excruciating to watch in many ways, and not just because of his accent, or limited vocabulary. This guy is the epitome of the one-liner bachelor, the "what's your sign?" dude. And what was the point of choosing someone extremely-marginally "famous"? If that was ABC's real desire, I think they could have found someone uhhh, a little more well known. They found people for Celebrity Mole, didn't they? Although now that I think of it, a lot of those folks weren't exactly too high on the ol' celebrity ladder either....
I don't think I've ever really liked any of the Bachelors; ABC tends to choose these smug, self-important dullards who don't have much to offer besides (slightly) deep pockets. I didn't like any of the Bachelorettes either, except for Meredith, although that show seems to make for more compelling TV overall because it reverses the power structure a bit. I hate normal people, the way they cling to goofy antiquated ideals about what romance is and what marriage has to be, and weddings in general. So you think this show would be the last thing I'd want to watch. And it is in some ways, but I guess I keep watching for the train-wreck factor. I can't stand all those things, yet I'm impelled to watch, and yell at my TV when the boobs on it meet my low expectations. And really, isn't that what reality TV is all about, making ourselves feel all awesome and stuff?

Bob Dylan and the Spirit of Wrestling

2005-05-24T22:18:00.000-05:00

The main reason I post about wrestling so often on this blog is the obvious one: I genuinely, unironically love the professional wrestling. Its the only sport (alright, "sport") I've ever been able to follow with any real interest and for any prolonged period of time. It delivers all that "real" sports promise, such as drama, personality and, most of all, violence. I've never been able to fathom what it is that compells people to pay attention to any sport if not the possibility of a random, horrific injury. Isn't football haunted by the spectre of Joe Theismann? Aren't basketball fans secretly hoping for another "punch"? Don't even get me started on NASCAR.

And just so you don't think I'm a complete ghoul, the "drama" and "personality" I alluded to are every bit as important. How can any football fan pretend to distinguish between, let alone care about, a gang of 'roided-out delinquients made visually interchangable by acres of helmets, padding and protective gear? Team sports in general leave me cold anyway; deep down, I'm just not much of a joiner. If I'm going to let myself get swept away by some sporting event, its because I've bet all my emotional chips on one particular human. That being the case, what "legit" sports do I have to choose from? Boxing? No thanks - too arriviste, too mafia, too Trump.

So I'm left with pro wrestling (or, if I'm desperate, UFC-type brawls, which, I'll admit, is the next best thing). If I was writing a loooooong essay concerned only with the virtues of wrestling, this is where I'd drag out the Roland Barthes quotes. But! I've got bigger fish to fry! I've got to go from the squared circle to Bob Dylan and back again! And I gotta be at work tomorrow! So: for now, all you get is the a demonstration of the link between pro wrestling and great rock 'n' roll, Bob Dylan edition.

Richard Meltzer's notes for the Dictators' Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take a Joke LP (available now as a CD called New York, New York), "The Spirit of Wrestling", spells out the relationship between r'n'r and the One Good Sport more explicitly than anything before or since. It asks a question - what was so great about the Dictators? - and posits an answer - they had the spirit of wrestling!

"The Dictators knew what was missing and in their infinite generosity eventually they told us: THE SPIRIT OF WRESTLING. Elvis had it. Little Richard had it. God knows Jerry Lee had it. I mean shit, in those days teevee was an educational experience. Wrestling was on eleven days a week so it hadda osmose. The stoopid, bombastic grandeur of it all! Heppest showcase of wild 'n' krazy licks in the annals thereof! Sure it's fixed but so's chord progression!

"...Always two steps ahead of the pack, they also realized that in the world of goodguys and badguys it was the designated bad-asses who had all the great holds, all the creative dynamics of scattergun you-name-it, all the everlovin' PERSONA. Freddie Blassie, Killer Kowalski, Stan 'The Man' Stasiak - these were the 'Tators' touchstones of the great big buzz in the sky.

"...[T]hese inspired assholes of derring-do became the most fearsome five-man tagteam ever to venture 'tween the ropes, and certainly the first R&R combo to fully acknowledge the ropes that can't help but separate bands from, uh, paying customers. By early '74...the Dictators had already finely tuned an attitude of CONFRONTATION W/AN AUDIENCE that's still gotta be an all-time landmark of the genre. So intimidating was their presence that even when they were merely in the audience themselves they tended to catalyze this & that..."

Any readers sufficiently up on their Dylanology will be able to find examples for all of this. I mean, hello, "wild 'n' krazy licks?" "Great holds?" "Creative dynamics of etc.?" "PERSONA?" "CONFRONTATION WITH AN AUDIENCE?"

Okay, maybe. But did he really have the "spirit of wrestling?" Did he ever consciously seek out the approval of the great gods of the squared circle? I mean, okay, he probably saw his fair share of AWA matches on TV (he was from Duluth after all...), but he certainly didn't find any kind of aesthetic model or performative influence in the antics of Nick Bockwinkel or Otto Wanz or...or...hell, even Gorgeous George, did he? Did he?!?!?!???

From Chronicles, Volume One, pgs. 43-44.

"...There was a lot of halting and waiting, little acknowledgment, little affirmation, but sometimes all it takes is a wink or a nod from some unexpected place to vary the tedium of a baffling existence.

"This happened to me when Gorgeous George the great wrestler came to my hometown. In the mid-'50s I was performing in the lobby of the National Guard Armory, the Veterans Memorial Building, the site where all the big shows happened - the livestock shows and hockey games, circuses and boxing shows, traveling preacher revivals, country-and-western jamborees. I'd seen Slim Whitman, Hank Snow, Webb Pierce and a lot of others there. Once a year or so, Gorgeous George would bring his whole troupe of performers to town: Goliath, The Vampire, The Twister, The Strangler, The Bone Crusher, The Holy Terror, midget wrestlers, a couple of lady wrestlers, and a whole lot more. I was playing on a makeshift platform in the lobby of the building with the usual wild activity of people milling about, and no one was paying much attention. Suddenly, the doors burst open and in came Gorgeous George himself. He roared in like the storm, didn't go through the backstage area, he came right through the lobby of the building and he seemed like forty men. It was Gorgeous George, in all his magnificent glory with all the lightning and vitality you'd expect. He had valets and was surrounded by women carrying roses, wore a majestic fur-lined gold cape and his long blond curls were flowing. He brushed by the makeshift stage and glanced towards the sound of the music. He didn't break stride, but he looked at me, eyes flashing with moonshine. He winked and seemed to mouth the phrase 'You're making it come alive.'

"Whether he really said it or not, it didn't matter. It's what I thought I head him say that mattered, and I never forgot it. It was all the recognition and encouragement I would need for years to come. Sometimes that's all it takes, the kind of recognition that comes when you're doing the right thing for the thing's sake and you're on to something - it's just that nobody recognizes it yet. Gorgeous George. A mighty spirit. People said that he was as great as his race. Maybe he was. Inevitably, I would soon lose the band that was playing with me in the lobby of the Veterans building. Someone else had seen them and took them. I'd have to work on my connections. It was beginning to dawn on me that I would have to learn how to play and sing by myself and not depend on a band until the time I could afford to pay and keep one. Connections and credentials would have to become an irrelevancy, but I did feel good for a moment. Crossing paths with Gorgeous George was really something."

Happy birthday, Bob.

Happy Birthday Bob Dylan

2005-05-24T18:51:00.000-05:00

Mr. Maximum Utmost turns 64 today. Have an extra bowl of prunes on me, Bob. Here's my present - a bunch of Dylan-related links!

Norm Geras's Completely Objective and Scientific Ranking of Dylan Songs!

Truly, this will be the greatest musical tribute to Bob Dylan in the history of recorded sound!

The almighty archive of Dylan-related articles on rocksbackpages.com (which ya gotta pay for!)!

Nick Gillespie sez "Watch out for Dylanologists!"

Brian Doherty, another Reason contributor, reviews a buncha Dylan books!

David Yaffe writes for The Nation, not Reason, but he also reviews a buncha Dylan books!

Are you compatable with Bob Dylan? Is Charles Manson?

Which Dylan albums are good? Which are wretched? Which are right there? Robert Christgau knows!

What's the deal with Todd Haynes's upcoming Dylan movie?

What's the deal with Martin Scorsese's upcoming Dylan movie?

Finally, is Dylan just annoying?

"I'm DEEEEEEAD!"

2005-05-24T18:42:00.000-05:00

RIP Thurl Ravenscroft, voice of Tony the Tiger, among many others.

This obit is the only one I've found that mentions that he also sang "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch."

"Thurl Ravenscroft" is also one hell of a cool sounding name.

An Honor Killing?

2005-05-23T20:43:00.000-05:00

The Chicago Tribune says that Shaima Rezayee may have been killed by her brothers.

"The killing illustrates the struggle facing Afghanistan's post-Taliban culture. Many urban young people have started to wear jeans, listen to Indian pop music and dream of romance. But their conservative elders see such behavior as un-Islamic and Western.

"Women face a particularly tough time if their behavior is seen as too loose or their clothes are perceived as too tight. For a family, such behavior is often taken as an insult to honor. Most marriages are still arranged in Afghanistan, and even a casual chat between a man and a woman can create problems."

YOUR 2005 Next Top Model is...

2005-05-23T20:33:00.001-05:00

Naima. I approve wholeheartedly. She’s like a cuter Poly Styrene; plus its always good to see a midwesterner make it big. I have no way of proving this, but waaaay back when this season...ahem, er, I mean “cycle” began I took one look at Naima and said “That’s her. That’s America’s Next Top Model.” Actually, I believe I told Stacey it was gonna be her or Lluvy (who was like the fifth to get kicked off the show), but I was still technically correct!

I’m still waiting for Yoanna to make her big splash, by the way...har har har har..."

More About Eurovision

2005-05-22T21:49:00.000-05:00

Here's some info about the Eurovision contest. This is from Jack Stevenson's essay "Eurovision: The Candy-Coated Song Factory", which you can find in the indispensible Bubblegum Music is the Naked Truth, edited by Kim Cooper and David Smay.

"Founded in 1956, this international songfest was a product of television when the young medium was idealistically seen as a tool that could unite diverse European cultures for an evening in the simple shared joy of music. And for all the crassness and kitsch Eurovision has come to epitomize 44 years later, this noble aim is still its main motivation - or so the official line would have it.

"Eurovision pits one act - vocalist, duo or group - from each of Europe's 23 countries in a night-long competition that culminates in a public phone-in vote in each contry. Each nation then casts its votes for other national acts, resulting in the emergence of a single winner with a single song.

"The voting has always been notoriously partisan, as enemies like Greece and Turkey never give each other a single vote, while East European neighbors tend to vote for each other, as do the Scandinavian countries, etc. Beyond that, the voting is unpredictable and erratic in the extreme, and that's one of Eurovision's joys.

"...

"In the capital city of the previous year's winner gather the bright hopefuls from across Europe to form a massed concentration of facially perfect Barbie dolls, photogenic jawbones and a raw maw of uncut charisma. Each contestant is hoping to ride one miraculously catchy tune to fame and fortune the way 'Waterloo' catapulted ABBA to stardom in 1974. This is considered by most to be the event's immaculate golden moment, and it endures as inspiration to countless entrants since, who dream that all this might lead to something more than a free vacation and lots of tabloid exposure back home.

"The acts have all just won their own national competitions and achieved some short-lived hope, hullabaloo and celebrity on the local level, previous to which most of them were total unknowns. And after their 15 minutes of fame, most will go back to their day jobs or go on to supply second-rate lounges and supper clubs with an endless glut of 'where are they now?' easy-listening acts.

"...

"Every Eurovision edition is full of surprises and absurd moments guaranteed by the wide cultural diversity of styles unknown in an assimilationist monoculture like America. Pop culture is, above all, local and untranslatable, and despite all the warm fuzzy talk about pan-European unity and brotherhood, Eurovision is really a celebration of nationalism, provincialism and parochialism. This tends to result in acts wildly popular in their own countries but totally inscrutable to anyone else. All those stunned silences at otherwise noisy parties might be described as the sound of a million jaws dropping..."

Stevenson seems to contradict himself on that last point when he surveys the 1999 contestants, among whom was "Germany's entry, the all-Turkish band, Surpriz, singing in Hebrew (!) [who] finished a dangerous third with 'Journey to Jerusalem.' Surely as it becomes easier for people and populations to travel, work and move to different parts of the continent, many of the "national, provincial and parochial" styles will pop up in weird places, undergo unexpected changes and transform other insular folk traditions (or is that pop traditions? I'm getting confused...). Add to that unprecidented emmigration from the middle east, central Asia and north Africa, the rise or drop in nationalist sentiment that the EU constitution debate may bring about and a hundred other things I don't even know about. How can you not be interested?

"a dozen or so Diet Cokes a day"

2005-05-22T21:40:00.000-05:00

The economics of extreme soda consumption. I can relate.

BTW, Virginia, Pepsi tastes much better.

"The Woman Killed For Pop Music"

2005-05-22T16:01:00.000-05:00

If there's still anyone out there who doubts the power that pop music has to literally change the world, well, I would suggest that they revise their thinking in the light of a rather ironic one-two punch of current events.

First was yesterday's announcement of the winner of the Eurovision contest, which I wrote about below. The other is the murder this week of Shaima Rezayee, a veejay for Tolo TV, the fledgling Afghani version of MTV. According to the Times of London, Ms. Rezayee was shot in her home, presumably by Islamic fundamentalists.

Yesterday's post about Eurovision was pretty much the usual semi-literate rambling that is par for the course here at AlcO-bEAt. Mostly I wanted to write about it because, as a fan of dopey bubblegum pop music, I feel a kind of international solidarity with the millions of European teens (and probably no small amount of parents'-basement-dwelling European men in their late twenties) for whom a beat, a little melody or a song written over a coffee break still can ignite a blast furnace in the brain - keep your LSD, I've got the Daphne & Celeste album!

But what's really cool about Eurovision - above and beyond the fact that it gave the world ABBA - is that it manages to bring all of the religious, cultural, linguistic and ethnic diversity that is rather arbitrarily called 'Europe' together under one big umbrella in a celebration of the most banal, most disposable and least useful product of the modern world (bridges geographic diversity, too - I never did understand the logic that counts Israel as a part of 'Europe' for the purposes of the Eurovision contest but, y'know, no harm, no foul). Not only that, but it acts as a sort of mediator between the International Style of bubblegum pop (which, like jokes about sudden, explosive diarrhea, seem to have pretty universal appeal) and more local, indigenous musical forms which would seem to have more narrowly national appeal (every article you read about this always describes how this-or-that country's entry is in some way influenced by some kind of weird native folk tradition). This is what pop music (and pop culture more generally) does: by virtue of its near universal appeal, its ubiquity and its cheapness (in every sense of the term) it inflames imaginations (and desires) all over the world, allowing people to transcend stultifying local traditions and become a part of the Great Big World Out There. All that is solid melts into air, all that is holy is profaned, yadda yadda yadda.

I don't wanna get too Tom Friedman about this - although its a worthy end in itself, unlimited circulation of products is not going to make the world a perfect place. And pop culture isn't always an unstoppable difference-leveller; even my beloved Eurovision was wracked by political anxiety this year:

"Ukraine's entry, Greenjolly's Razom Nas Bahato,' or Together We Are Many, a politically charged anthem from last year's Orange Revolution, did not go down smoothly with its eastern neighbors. Greenjolly earned a stingy two points from Russia and none from Belarus -- a big change from last year, when Russia gave Eurovision winner, Ukraine's Ruslana, 12 points, and Ukraine gave Russia 10 points -- on a night when many countries reaped the rewards of local allegiances."

But that doesn't diminish the ability of pop fans to act as the shock troops of the modern world - the real avant-garde.

Literally. "Police said that they believed the killing was linked to her former job as a 'veejay' — video journalist — on Hop, which was broadcast by Tolo TV, one of a number of private stations set up since the fall of the Taleban.

"Ms Rezayee was the only female presenter on the show, which won as many young urban fans as it did enemies among the mullahs. Her murder raises the stakes in the battle for the soul of Afghanistan’s young people."

The whole "pop-music-as-social-movement" does have the slight whiff of baby-boomer self-regard to it, which, I admit, doesn't sit well with me. You typically hear this kind of thing from some graying dope in between bong hits: "Beatles, Stones and Dylan - they changed the world, maaaaaaaaaaan." Yeah, maybe (but probably not in the way these ninnies (okay, straw men) think - Vaclav Havel was a big Velvet Underground fan, and we should never forget The Plastic People of the Universe). But did any of them risk their lives for their music?

Then again, none of them ever crossed the Religion of Peace. "Tolo quickly became the most watched station in the city with a reported 81 per cent audience share and Hop was its No 1 programme. But it drew the ire of the country’s mullahs and members of the Supreme Court, who were still incensed after losing a battle last year to have women removed from the nation’s television screens.

"In March the national Ulema Council, a government panel of religious scholars, issued a statement accusing the station of 'broadcasting music, naked dance and foreign films, which are against Islam and other national values of Afghanistan'. Hop was at the top of their hitlist.

"The information ministry asked the station to tone down the show, objecting specifically to the raciness of the pop videos and the 'casual' chat between male and female presenters. In Afghanistan even conversation between men and women who are not related is regarded as suspect.

"S.A.H. Sancharaky, the Deputy Minister for Information and Culture, told a foreign interviewer that the Government prided itself on not censoring the show but was compelled to ask for changes. One particularly offensive incident, he noted, was when a male presenter had complimented Ms Rezayee on her shoes. 'He says, "Can you hold up your legs so everybody can see how good your shoes are?"' the official recalled. '"Hold up your legs" has a very bad meaning in our language.'"

"It was to be Ms Rezayee and not the male presenter who would pay for this exchange."

YOUR 2005 Eurovision Champion...

2005-05-21T20:35:00.000-05:00

...is Helena from Greece, for "My Number One." Congratulations to the winner, although it must be remembered that everyone's a winner at the Eurovision Song Contest.

Information of any kind about the Eurovision contest can be pretty difficult to come by if, like me, you happen to live in North America. This is too bad, 'cause I absolutely love the idea - one of the nifty things about Europe is all the weird little competitions they've invented for all the states to participate in (Eurovision, all those goofy soccer tournaments, etc.) (This is one area where the U.S. is embarrassingly backward. We simply don't have an analogue for these kinds of things. Sure, you've got your Superbowls and World Series and so forth, but that's not truly geographically representative; I always wondered what football team you're supposed to root for if you live in Wyoming, or South Dakota, or Alabama. And anyway, most sports bore me to tears - where's the AmeriVision Song Contest? And, no, American Idol does not cut the mustard...). I imagine that, as the world becomes more economically integrated, it will become culturally moreso as well, and finding out about the Eurovision contest will be no more difficult than finding out about the World Cup. But I'm not interested in waiting maybe 15 years for this, I want to be able to tape Eurovision 2006 and I want to know what to set my VCR for now. Europe used to simply have religious wars, ideological conflicts, contests for territory and natural resources or rivalries between petty tyrants or statesmen; now they settle their differences through the understated majesty of three-minute, disposable pop songs. This is one reason why, as the upper left-hand corner of your screen will tell you, we love the modern world.

UPDATE: Holy crap. Send money now.

The Booze-Soaked Trotskyite vs. Wide Boy

2005-05-21T14:38:00.000-05:00

George Galloway's recent appearance in D.C. has, as far as I can see, had two consequences of interest.

1) It's given soft-headed so-called "progressives" in the US yet another opportuity to publicly embarrass themselves. Dr. Frank, as usual, has the scoop on this.

2) It's given Christopher Hitchens someone to kick around for a few weeks. Hitchens apparently paid a visit to Galloway while the latter was on his way to testify. The Scotsman records the friendly meeting:

"After a breakfast cigar, the MP approached the senate building today surrounded by a throng of cameras, vowing to use the opportunity to show the world who were the real villains of the piece.

'I intend to be the accuser rather than the accused, and I will putting them on trial,' he declared.

A brief ruckus with British journalist and sworn enemy Christopher Hitchens got proceedings off to a swinging start.

'Booze soaked Trotskyites,' Mr Galloway muttered as he took his seat, arms crossed. 'Wide boy,' Hitchens shot back.

And we're off! This and this seem like warm-up rounds; this one is the real main event.

You Can't Spell 'Sith' Without an 'S', 'H', 'I' and 'T'.

2005-05-20T14:17:00.000-05:00

(I blatantly stole that gag from the fellows at Reason, just so ya know)

Every once in a while, my job will require me to process and deliver the daily mail to the Wisconsin State Senate. It's kind of a repetitive task, but not so bad as all that: I can lose myself in the mechanical letter-sorting process, and I get a little quiet time alone to think things over, which is always nice. Since every senator gets a copy of every newspaper that's published in their district, I get to look these over before I deliver them and see what's going on in the cities, towns and unincorporated hamlets of the great state of Wisconsin (short answer: not much).

Can you guess which story is splashed all over the front page of every Wisconsin newspaper? Yup, the big Star Wars premiere. Not exactly what I'd consider breaking news (and I'm as big a Star Wars nerd as you're likely to run across), but fair enough: like I said, there ain't exactly a lot of competition for column inches for most of these publications. What was weird, though, was the fact that almost every one of these papers ran a picture of some bunch of goons dressed up in this or that type of Star Wars paraphanillia engaged in pitched light-saber battles in front of the movie theater. Every one! There were light saber battles in Wisconsin Rapids, in Kenosha, in Richland Center, in Oshkosh, in Rice Lake, everywhere! Now I'm all for fan participation, and although I poke fun at the guys who dress up like Vulcans or Imperial Stormstroopers or whatever else, I do so out of love - I'm into all that shit too, and although I don't like to fly my nerd flag at full staff all the time (inasmuch as I have control over how nerdy I seem in public), I respect those who do. That said, the fact that light-saber duels seem to have become the Official Nerd Activity for those who wish to kill time while waiting in the cue seems to take away from the spontaneity, no?

Anyway, here's an article from my home town paper: "'Star Wars' Gave Hmong Kids Hope." I gotta give 'em credit, this is a vaugely interesting twist on the 'dedicated Star Wars fan profile' that every news source has had to dust off for this week.

"This will make you question how a loving God can allow such depravity!" Or whatever.

2005-05-19T11:14:00.000-05:00

I guess this is the 21st century equivalent to that bit in The Jerk in which the secret cat-juggling ring is exposed.

(via, heaven help me, The Corner)

alco-BEAT

2005-05-19T10:34:00.000-05:00

This is a really cool idea, although it needs to work a heck of a lot faster in order to hold my attention for more than four minutes. Call me when I can play along to "Cretin Hop."

(via Norm)

Beware the Apolitical Buttfucking Gremlin!

2005-05-18T22:27:00.000-05:00

Not sure if this is worse than the Face Fucking Bat Sperm, but here ya go.

(via the God Damn Fucking Death Valley Driver Video Review Message Board)

Return of the WIMPYS

2005-05-18T22:09:00.000-05:00

Hi, all. Who here likes the professional wrestling?

Here's a thread on the almighty Death Valley Driver message board lamenting the lack of squash matches in wrestling today. Although squash matches don't happen very often anymore, they're still an active part of the non-fan's cliched notion of what wrestling is like. A squash match is what you get when you pit a "name" wrestler (an up-and-coming star, a fan favorite gone bad, an old veteren, even a "marquee" guy who would normally be in the main event) against and anonymous curtain-jerker (some guy you've never seen and never will again). These usually lasted about five or ten minutes and more or less consisted of the "name" guy demolishing the other guy - hip, with-it online 'rasslin fans typically call these guys "jobbers", but one of the guys on the Playaz' board refers to 'em as "wimpys", which I like much better.

Anyway, for a variety of reasons, these kind of matches don't happen as often as they used to; now its usually one "superstar vs. superstar" match after another. Sounds like a vast improvement, right? Not necessarily. Like they say, read the whole thing.

New-Fangled Looney Tunes UPDATE

2005-03-29T00:41:00.000-06:00

Well, its finally here: take a gander at the brand new Bugs Bunny. Man, Warner really screwed the pooch on this one; at least Looney Toons: Back in Action had Kevin McCarthy in it...

More crack-related hijinks!

2005-03-23T01:37:00.000-06:00

First Grader Thinks Crack Is Candy, Hands It Out To Friends

8th Wonder of the World

2005-03-18T01:24:00.000-06:00

Mmmm, toasty.

Goats n' Crack

2005-03-14T02:15:00.000-06:00

Via Pittsburgh Post Gazette......

Goat killed, meat sold for crack

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Four men stole, killed and butchered a goat so they could trade its meat for crack cocaine, police said.

Police charged four Connellsville men with theft, receiving stolen property, cruelty to animals, and criminal conspiracy yesterday for the Dec. 24 incident in Bullskin Township, Fayette County.

James Walter Albright, 37, dragged the 4-year-old pygmy goat from its pen with a rope and tied the animal to a shrub, where he and Charles W. Smith Jr., 20, killed the animal by beating its head with a hammer or a steel pipe, police said.

The men then took the goat to Smith's residence, where his father, Charles W. Smith, 48, and Gilbert Wesley Fisch, 38, skinned the animal and cut it up.

It was not immediately clear if the men have attorneys. The Associated Press could not locate home telephone numbers for the men.

Teen Pens Zombie Story; Gets Thrown in the Pokey

2005-03-14T01:33:00.000-06:00

This story out of Kentucky makes me feel really, really awful. I used to do a lot of fiction writing in high school, and I shudder to think what could have happened to me had my writings fell into the wrong hands. I don't think I wrote any zombie stories in particular, but some folks might not have liked some of the social satire type things or even just plain bizarre stuff I had in my notebooks. Hell, maybe I would have just gotten thrown in the looney bin instead of jail. Who knows. But I think we need to seriously consider the implications of this story for all teenagers out there...who will they arrest next? The SCA and D&D nerds for their faux, historicized violence? Pimply art students with paintings of demons? Burnouts listening to Slayer? People in the school play for acting out stabbings and shootings? Maybe we should concentrate on getting the real violent jerks out there...you know, the dudes who gave the zombie-story writing dude swirlies in the john. String them up by their testicles! (Boy, am I glad I'm not in high school, or I'd probably get arrested for saying that!)

Did Jerry flip Jen off?

2005-03-05T02:59:00.000-06:00

Uhhhh, I'd like to think so!

"I'm the George Washington of mayors. I can't tell a lie.....

2005-03-04T14:04:00.000-06:00

If they didn't want the answer the kid shouldn't have asked the question,"

Yet another great reason to move to Las Vegas!!!

The Super Bowl is for jerks!

2005-02-20T03:08:00.000-06:00

I watched the Puppy Bowl instead!

What's up Doc? WE SCREWED UP THE LOONEY TUNES!!

2005-02-19T02:28:00.000-06:00

050217_loonatics_hmed.hlarge
Originally uploaded by alco-beat.

Well, as Handsome Dan just remarked, "Warner Brothers really shit the bed this week."

For those of you not in the know, the current powers-that-be at Warner Brothers recently decided that the classic Looney Tunes cartoons (and their assorted characters) were simply not happenin' enough to keep around. So they've taken Bugs Bunny & Friends and moved them 700 years into a goth, flash-animated future, and given them terrifying makeovers....oh yeah, and SUPERPOWERS. Name of the series? Well LOONATICS, of course!

Says WB president Sander Schwartz: "This is a kids show intended for kids today who are growing up in the Internet age, an age of technology, an age of hip, cool animation, and something that we hope will resonate with that age group,"

So kids are now instantly predicated to crave suckiness?

Chimes in David Janollari, president of the Kids' WB: "We all flipped for it!"
He also tries to quiet the cynics out there by saying, "I think the legacy is intact. If anything, it's an homage to the legacy instead of a destruction of the legacy."

Toonzone reports that the updated names of the characters include "Buzz" for Bugs Bunny, and "Duck" for Daffy Duck. Ummm....

This is the biggest disgrace I've ever seen happen to a trusted cultural commodity, even including New Coke. Generations of people have enjoyed the Looney Tunes in their original form.
What I find most insulting is that the WB has all of a sudden decided that since the LT's were cartoons then obviously their only audience must be children. Cartoons did not always used to be de facto children's entertainment; they were all-ages vehicles shown before double feature matinees at movie theaters-- they have mass appeal. The way they were crafted was incredibly smart and nuanced. Kids could laugh at the crossdressing and butt jokes (and so could everyone else!), but only adults really probably understood the in-jokes about Bogie and Tallulah, and why Michigan J. Frog was so damned hilarious. I was a religious fan of Looney Tunes as a child, and as I continue to re-watch the expisodes in adulthood, I find new jokes, and things I hadn't noticed before. This is why these are such wonderful creations that can be savored over a lifetime-- and explains why this LOONATICS idea is total heresy to all that Chuck Jones worked so hard to create. Is there a petition I can sign somewhere to get this shit off the air before it starts?

Hungry hungry hippo!

2005-02-19T01:50:00.000-06:00

Even though the little guy lost his life, I'd like to think that he'd be happy to know that even after death he continued to to deliver with cheap thrills and circus freakitude.

AlcO

2005-01-16T17:29:00.000-06:00

Happy new year, all. Here's an article about drinkin'.

(via Reason)

Oh, Fuck.

2004-12-17T03:16:00.000-06:00

Here it is 3 AM on Friday and I'm up writing a paper for my records management class on the GPEA (a real party, lemme tell ya). It's due by 5 PM, so hopefully I'll get it done, but things aren't looking so great right now. I'm out of red wine and am eating Chex outta the box, listening to "Freedom isn't Free" from the Team America soundtrack, and I'm real bummed that Kill Bill Vol. 2 probably isn't gonna be nominated for Best Picture in February. Scratch that, now I'm listening to Motorhead! Maybe Lemmy will inspire me to get typing on federal records management initiatives, but I somehow doubt it. 15 pages in 13 hours? I think I can do it, but I'm a little worried...no..a LOT worried. Oh, shit.

Death by "self-abuse"?

2004-12-03T16:38:00.000-06:00

I'm highly amused by all the keeeeeee-razy conservative backlash to the new Kinsey movie. It's always fun to see these folks all riled up!

::..:. Long Way Round .:..::

2004-11-15T00:30:00.000-06:00

Even though I'd read about it several times, I'd nearly forgotten to check out Long Way Round . I watched an episode earlier tonight and am really hoping Bravo will rerun them all--what a fabulous show! Ewan and Charley were in Kazakhstan in this episode, a country I've always been really curious about, namely because no one ever talks about it, and I like countries that people totally ignore. Looks like a really cool place between all the natural beauty (canyons, mountains, badlands, prairie tundra and steppes) and the fascinating native cultures. There's just something incredibly charming about decaying, former Soviet republics who are trying to get theor shit together and make a good life now. And just for the record, Kazakhstan, you rule. Sheep's head and all.
Next episode is Mongolia!!! I love Mongolia, too. I really enjoyed the short-lived NBC series Lost, that happened to strand teams just outside of Ulaan Baatar in episode 1. There were a lot of old Lenin statues and rusty factories and stuff. The Trans-Siberian railroad looked like a lot of fun! Maybe someday I'll have the money and time to visit these places, but for now I'll be sated by Long Way Round.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas-- the Radio Stations

2004-10-19T15:43:00.000-05:00

Sounds like the new GTA is going to have a pretty cool selection of radio stationsto choose from, after all. And I was thinking it was all going to end up being west coast gangsta rap....

I'll put the falafel on your pussy.

2004-10-15T01:30:00.000-05:00

So says Bill O'Reilly.

Uhh, guh-ross.

I advice you to read the whole court document, cuz, well, it's alternately wildly entertainly and nauseating. I really didn't wanna think about Bill O'Reilly owning a vibrator, but not that I know, I'd be happy to read more salacious details.....

"Married By America" Draws Ire of Prudish FCC

2004-10-13T01:35:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's worse--- sitting through Fox's 2003 reality program "Married By America" (which I watched religiously), or the fact that Fox is now being
retroactively fined by the FCC for airing it. The show involved singles who were so desperate to find true love that they left their fate in the hands of Fox viewers, who would then call in and vote on a choice of a mate for them. The potential spousal pool started off on the large side; a contestant's friends and family were then asked to whittle down the group to the 2 most suitable mates, and then we voted. I vividly remember trying to vote for the person I thought would be the WORST match of the two for the person--and I kind of figured Fox HAD to know that its viewership would do that. After all, it's FOX! So when the resulting episodes detailing the developing relationships of the newly engaged couples turned out of be duller than anything imaginable I was not pleased. Where was the lurid sexuality, the tumultuous fights, and all the other fun stuff? It wasn't on Married By America, but not the FCC is saying it was. The episode in question, I guess, is one in which the about-to-be-married folks were treated to bachelor/bachelorette parties, and things got a little "steamy". There was some whipped cream licking, a guy in his underpants, and a gal doing a lap dance. Nothing very exciting in the least; it was about the most cliched representation of a bachelor/bachelorette shindig that I could think of. And now they're getting FINED for it?! There are far racier scenes on some of those crime/cop melodramas out there. This just bothers me, as this has the potential to create something of a slippery slope effect with other reality-based TV shows. If the FCC is going to just randomly enforce these new "decency" standards, the resulting outcome could be that we only end up being able to see the types of shows that people associated with that office find morally O.K--and that is not O.K by me, sorry.
And I'm getting a little tired of the argument that these fines are necessary to "protect the children". That is the parents job, not the mass media. It's not like these kids are not going to ultimately end up learning about sexy matters-- they're probably going to end up like Dan and I-- sneaking off to check out soft-core porn on Cinemax when the rest of the family is sound asleep. It happens.
If the show had been called like, "Banged by America", then maybe I'd agree that they should maybe move it to cable--but come on. Are they going to fine "Are You Hot" next? What about the Bachelor? Just last week, manly-looking Krysta hopped into the Bachelor pool stark nekkid and said how much she wanted to have sex with Byron. Of course, her privates were blurred, but we all knew she was without clothes. Bare asses are on primetime dramas, too. Where will the madness end?

Badnarik, Cobb Arrested!

2004-10-10T21:54:00.000-05:00

In case anyone cares (and you should!), Michael Badnarik and David Cobb, the respective Libertarian and Green Party presidential nominees, were arrested in St. Louis on Friday as they tried to cross the police line protecting the presidential debate. Ralph Nader, I'm not sure where he was; he was probably sitting at home in his fruit o' the looms in front of the TV with a plate of Quorn nuggets, grumbling swear words or something.

Did you forget Poland?

2004-10-07T17:19:00.001-05:00

The above is pretty funny, and so is this.

The Parasite Pals

2004-10-07T16:29:00.000-05:00

And who will bring me brandy next time I'm stranded in the Alps?

2004-10-07T14:35:00.000-05:00

The monks of the Saint Bernard hospice are selling off the remaining dogs who bear their name. If you buy one though, you have to be willing to trek it back to Switzerland for the summers, so the tourists can still see the dogs in their native habitat. Personally, I'd love to have one. If you get too cold, they lay on top of you. They pull you out of snowdrifts. They look really intimidating, but they really just wanna be your pal.
And folks, they do not, I REPEAT, do NOT, make good table meat. Do not eat the St. Bernards, they are helpers.

Guh-ross--Billy Joel Weds; or Leering, Dirty Old Celebrity is Rewarded with Child-Bride

2004-10-05T01:25:00.000-05:00

The first time I saw the above photo, or one similar to it, I thought it was Billy Joel with his young daughter. But a second glance proved me wrong, that's Billy Joel's 23 year old BRIDE. That's some serious cradle-robbin', Mr. Piano Man. (His daughter is apparently only 18, BTW).
Maybe it grosses me out because this gal is 4 years younger than me, and BJ is 6 years older than *my* dad. Also, the idea of being a step-mom to someone who you could have gone to high school with has got to be a little awkward.

The First Feingold-Michels debate

2004-10-02T01:11:00.000-05:00

Note to Tim Michels: You want to know the reason Russ Feingold has been able to raise 8 million dollars in this election cycle? Because most of Wisconsin is so FLIPPIN' SCARED that you might actually win the election. Especially considering that Feingold has no multi-million dollar "family business" to fall back onto when he needs to make another campaign ad or print up a batch of bumper stickers-- it's the ordinary working people of Wisconsin who are paying for his campaign in checks of $25 or $100 a pop. And that's the way it should be. Sometimes you just can't buy your way into office--sorry.

In his ads, and even in the debate-- Michels continues to lie through his teeth, misrepresenting everything Feingold stands for. I don't know if the truth hasn't sank in yet, or if he's deliberately trying to be malicious.

Tonight made me realize how lucky Wisconsin is to have a principled, hard-working man like Feingold in their corner--the only guy with enough balls to stand up to the freedom-hating Patriot Act. I've never once been personally proud of a politician representing my particular district (granted, when you're from Illinois this probably is a given), but that's all changed now. If Wisconsin screws this one up, I'm moving to Minnesota.

No eggs for egg-fight reenactment

2004-10-01T17:37:00.000-05:00

Aw damn. Egg Harbor, Wisconsin (a pretty little town in the Door County peninsula) was all set to reenact the legendary "egg fight" that occured in the adjoining harbor that spawned the town's name, when some ol' fuddy duddies got all concerned about possible environmental implications. Couldn't they just put down some plastic sheets or something? Or like stage the fight on a backdrop of fake water? There's got to be a way to work real eggs into this thing. Otherwise, are they going to change their name to Plastic Egg Harbor?

Uhh...DEBATES!!

2004-09-30T23:03:00.000-05:00

Oop, its almost midnight and I haven't fulfilled my at-least-one-post-a-day quota. So I'll toss in a few lines about the debate. I'm the only truly objective person in America, so you can believe me when I say that I think Kerry totally made Bush his bitch tonight.

Of course, my candidate was not allowed to participate, so I've got no dog in this fight.

"Human pillow seems to be warm and healing."

2004-09-30T17:09:00.000-05:00

Lonely at night? Not afraid of possible creepy implications of sleeping with dismembered faux body parts? Then check out the Boyfriend's Arm Pillow, straight from Japan. A 'muscular' Boyfriend 's Arm Pillow is in the works, too. The company says it will also make a Girlfriend's Lap Pillow. I'd like to see how that one turns out....

Wake Up With The King

2004-09-29T23:09:00.000-05:00

You know that new-ish Burger King ad, where the guy slowly wakes up only to discover a horrifying, fiberglass-looking Burger King in bed with him? Since the guy is offered breakfast, and since the he's sleeping on the edge of the bed, facing out (and, hence, anus facing in), are we to assume that he spent the night doing, uh, man things with the Burger King (must...not...think of King's horrible, fiberglass scepter...)? Jeez, all it takes these days is a breakfast sandwich...damn kids these days don't know how good they got it...

UPDATE! Aha, see I'm NOT the only one!! I dunno know what's weirder: getting all bent out of shape thinking that the 'Wake Up With The King' ad campaign is part of a plot by the liberal media to get Americans to accept homosexuality ("C'mon, Barry, it's okay...the Burger King does it...") or doing so on a message board called Mortgage Grapevine...?

PATRIOT Act Goes to Court

2004-09-29T21:48:00.000-05:00

Hey! A US district court struck down part of the PATRIOT Act! Alright!

Reuters says:
"Part of the PATRIOT Act, a central plank in the Bush Adinistration's war on terror, was ruled unconstitutional by a federal judge on Wednesday.
"U.S. District Judge Victor Marreo ruled in favor of the American Civil Liberties Union, which challenged the power the FBI has to demand confidential financial records from companies as part of terrorism investigations.
"The ruling was the latest blow to the Bush administration's anti-terrorism policies."

Like the article says, a blow to the Bush administration, and a welcome one. I don’t see how anyone could deny at this point that George W. Bush is anything but a liberty-hating creep. God, I hope he loses by a landslide. Say, I wonder who wrote that particular section of the PATRIOT Act anyway...?

“Meanwhile, [Democratic candidate for President, Sen. John] Kerry continues to support intrusive efforts to stamp out money laundering. His campaign statement points out that Kerry ‘authored most of the money laundering provisions’ in PATRIOT. Those provisions were largely based on an old money laundering bill that Kerry had introduced and which was opposed by economic conservatives and the ACLU. Kerry and other Democrats insisted that the money laundering provisions be attached to the PATRIOT Act. An October 2001 Associated Press article quoted Kerry as accusing Republicans of trying to remove the provisions ‘by fiat.’ The article noted that Kerry ‘underlined the political influence of Texas bankers.’
“The money laundering provisions, which became Title III of the PATRIOT Act, are some of the most privacy-threatening aspects of the bill. (See ‘Show Us Your Money,’ November 2003) They go beyond the ‘Know Your Customer’ rules of the late 1990s, bringing real estate brokers, travel agents, auto dealers, and various other businesses under the rubric of ‘financial institutions’ that must monitor their customers and file ‘suspicious activity reports’ on deviations from customers’ normal patterns.
“It was the Title III money laundering provisions that the FBI used in the much-criticized Operation G-String, an investigation of a strip club owner in Las Vegas accused of bribing local officials. The case had nothing to do with terrorism. Kerry - whose provisions allowed it to happen - has not cited this operation as one of Ashcroft’s abuses, even though other Democrats have.” (Reason, Oct. 2004, p31, all links mine)

Don’t forget to go out and vote on Nov. 2nd!

WI State Senator to Milwaukee Brewers: Fuck You

2004-09-29T19:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, I’m paraphrasing, but only a bit, and you can’t tell me they don’t deserve it. For those of you who don’t live in Wisconsin, let me back up a bit.

About ten years ago, the Milwaukee Brewers were one of the most comically shitty teams in baseball (a condition that persists to this day). They were also owned by one Bud Selig, then-interim Commissioner of Baseball (now the real thing), which some people seemed to think was a potential conflict of interest, but nevermind. Anyway, one day, Bud & Co. came to the state legislature, hat in hand, appealing for a grant - free taxpayer money to build a new stadium. You see, they said, the reason that the Brewers blow so bad is because they have to play in such a ratty, ramshackle firetrap of a park; once they get a new place, look out! The team will improve, more people will come to see ‘em, they’ll spend more money in Milwaukee and surrounding areas, people will get richer and state government will get more tax money than they put in in the first place!! A lot of legislators recognized this “reasoning” for the retarded scam that it was, but alas, not enough: they narrowly approved a 0.1% sales tax for Milwaukee (and some surrounding counties) to raise a projected $160 million for the new field. A lot of voters saw through this as well, and at least one legislator lost his seat as a result. For a more detailed account of all this go here, although I wonder why this poor person’s editor made them end it on an inspirational, ‘heart-warming’ note (Note: the link doesn't seem to work when I put it up here, so, if you wanna read the article in question, C&P this: http://www.jsonline.com/sports/brew/mpark/mar01/miller25032201.asp).

Guess what? Even with the new stadium, the Brewers mysteriously still suck as bad as they ever did. Late last year, they were forced to cut their payroll, which foreclosed on any possibility that they’d be able to afford that super-team Bud had been promising for the last ten years. Plus, that $160 million that the people of southeast Wisconsin were supposed to raise has ballooned to $650 million.

So now what happens? This week, it was announced that Selig was gonna sell the team for $200 million to Mark Attanasio, some guy from LA.

State Sen. Mike Ellis (R-Neenah) is probably my favorite person in Wisconsin politics as he has two qualities I look for in any elected official: a stubborn dedication to his principles (some of which I do not share) and a willingness and ability to rhetorically stomp the nutsack of the sweet-talkers who crowd his profession. He’s been grousing about the Brewers scam since it first hit the scene, and the latest wrinkle did not find him in a forgiving mood.

"State taxpayers contributed to the book value of the Milwaukee Brewers, so they are entitled to a share of the proceeds from the sale of the team, state Senator Michael G. Ellis said today.
"...
"'There are two things that make up the value of a baseball franchise - the quality of the ballclub and the playground it plays in,' Ellis said.
"'Since 1995, the book value of that club rose from about $70 million to its reported sales price today of $200 million. I can assure you, Mark Attanasio is not paying $200 million for a team that's batting .247. He's not paying $200 million for a team that could well lose more than 100 games for the second season in a row.'"

Ouch. Anyway, read the whole thing.

Are You in a Good Mood?

2004-09-28T23:21:00.000-05:00

Not to worry, this should help you snap right out of it.

(via Allah in the House)

bEAt

2004-09-28T01:11:00.000-05:00

I’m going to see Mike Watt and the Secondmen this Saturday. I’ll take pictures (if that sort of thing is allowed) and post ‘em here (if I can figure out how). Pray for me.