I am outraged!!! OUTRAGED!!!!!

Well, I certainly didn’t see THIS coming. I thought for sure that Yoanna wasn’t going to make it to the finals, let alone WIN. This is very disappointing.

No, this isn’t Stacey, our in-house reality TV expert, and YES I’m writing about the finals of AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL. I don’t know anything about fashion (besides that it appears to be a secret conspiracy by gay men to make beautiful women look bizarre and unappealing), modeling (I doubt I could even NAME five current supermodels) or anything like that, yet I find this show strangely compelling.

Tonight was the finale, and, as you may have deduced, I was unpleasantly surprised by the results. Yoanna’s strikingly handsome, but she’s also one of those women whose curves disappear if she gets to be too thin, which she is. And I swear I’m not trying to be a sensitive-man bozo when I say that (most times when a guy says “___________ is cute, but she’s way too thin...” to a girl, it usually means “hey baby, give me a blow job”), but with her short hair and non-existant boobs, Yoanna LOOKS LIKE A 12-YEAR OLD BOY. Thing is, I think that when the judges would tell her she hadda “work on her body”, she probably thought that meant “lose more weight”, not “look as though you’ve gone through puberty.” I don’t mean to be catty here, but I simply don’t think she’s ANTM material.

I thought for sure they were gonna pick Shandi. Shandi wouldn’t have been my choice, but they all seemed to be so ape over her that it seemed inevitable. Man, that’s how they getcha. I actually thought that Shandi was the least pretty of the three (I mean, her ears were like the handles on a jug of wine) (jeez, what’s gotten into me? I’m tougher on these poor girls than Janice Dickenson (who, for the record, comes off as simply one of the most IRRITATING humans on the planet on this show - can’t they get some other screeching, menopausal harpy to sit on the panel?)), and she seemed like she had a few years of growing up to do before she could handle this kind of thing. However, although she was in many ways the least appealing to me personally, I could sorta see how someone could envison her as ANTM. I dunno if that makes sense, but that’s what I think. I was also very much hoping for an epilogue in which it was revealed that she dropped her whiny, passive-aggressive dildo of a boyfriend. I mean, jeez, between his stupid-looking “thousand-yard-stare” photo and her laying that one Italian dude, what does she need, a neon sign?

It should be obvious at this point that I was rooting pretty heavily for Mercedes. About four episodes in, I made her my pick to win the whole thing (as opposed to who I thought the PANEL was gonna pick). I dunno, its just like when you see John McCain and you think “THAT’s the guy! THAT is the next President of the United States!” Yeah, I know, look what happened to him. Anyway, I thought Mercedes was probably the prettiest one, all her photos looked good, and, as near as I could figure, the panel’s biggest objection was that she looked “too commercial”, which, I must admit, didn’t make a lot of sense to me (“This girl we hired is simply TOO COMMERCIAL!!! If we use her, why...why...WE MAY SELL TOO MANY JEANS/BOTTLES OF EYELINER/FRUITY-LOOKING SUNGLASSES/ETC.!!!! WE’LL BE RICH BEYOND OUT WILDEST DREAMS!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! WHY GOD WHY????????????”). When they threw off Shandi, I thought for sure she was gonna take it. I almost didn’t even bother watching the last half - of COURSE they’re gonna pick Mercedes, why the fuck wouldn’t they?

Shows what I know. So, America, have fun with the emaciated, androgynous (albeit stunningly attractive) Yoanna as your spokesmodel. She woulda been my fourth place pick out of the whole group, but I guess that’s why I’m not on the panel (although, Tyra, if you’re reading, I promise I’d repel FAR fewer viewers than Janice Dickenson. I’m in the book!).

Cerebus #300

I've never read a single issue of Cerebus. I kept meaning to start on the first big 'phone book' volume, as I worried I'd be confused by just jumping into the current issue. Well, that won't be a problem anymore, as Cerebus's 300th and final issue hits the stands this month. Here's a few solemn words from Reason's Brian Doherty to mark the occasion.

It's not just polite, it's a survival instinct.

Now you can blame those bubbles on herring. I don't know that this is a first, but it's certainly the first place I've ever heard a fish fart.

Now, onto mine!

Because "Enigma of Neptune solved at last" isn't funny at all.

Wear a cheesehead?

No, thank you. Never have, never will. However, I believe this means war.

Equal Parts Amusing and Horrifying

I don't want to create the impression that all I ever think about is wrestling, but THIS is pretty crazy. Those of you in the know will get a sort of disturbing thrill out of this (or, more likely, you already have), those in the dark may find it interesting as well.

Fat AND violent!

Some researchers in Sweden claim that they've proved that video games do INDEED make kids "fat and violent." Ahhh, yes, another pseudo-scientific study paid for by taxpayers (even though these would be Swedish taxpayers, who already pay a boatload of taxes, so they probably don't care anyway). Why'd they waste their time, (and Sweden's money) when they could have just asked the U.S's own cultural authority extraordinaire, Joe Lieberman?


McDonald's is on the case though. Well the fat part anyway. They're phasing out the "Super Size" portions at all their restaurants this year. Which begs the question, what happens when kids get violent because their supersized portions are taken away?

The Average Joe jilted yet again

NBC's second installment of the reality series Average Joe concluded tonight. I don't really watch the show because I necessarily like it; I found myself drawn to it because, as Toby from American Splendor says, "I consider myself a nerd." I was curious whether or not the Beauty Queen girls would give these average dudes a chance. I thought NBC was a bit exploitative at times, as they made a point to repeatedly show the footage of the average dudes sans shirts on the beach along with the footage of the "hunky" dudes, muscles all oiled up, hair perfectly coiffed. The average guys (ranging in size from spindly skinny to super large) were made to look ridiculous in comparison. Seeing both Melana and Larissa's reactions to their entrance into the show pretty much confirmed all the negative and jerky things I've thought about super-vain girls all along. The fact that they did go out eventually and put their best face forward and actually got to know these guys only struck me as them saving face. They'd agreed to this project, they were probably bound by a contract, and they didn't want to look like the shallow assholes that they were by walking off. When they finally mingled with the average joes in the first episode it didn't strike me as someone poised to make romantic connections, but as some Beauty Queen doing precious outreach work. It was more akin to Princess Diana visiting a hospital full of amputees or like Miss California judging performances at The Special Olympics. When they smiled at the nerds, their hearts filled with hope, even if that smile was extended from a deep sense of pity or even obligation. And it was kind of sad to watch these guys -- most of them smart, funny, interesting and quite capable of finding a girl like themself -- fall into the trap of thinking that a girl like that would really seriously consider dating them.
NBC did a good job of making us believe that both of these ladies would actually walk away from the show with an average joe on her arm, but in neither case this didn't happen. In both instances, the women chose men who just as vacuous, shallow, boring and vain as themselves. So I guess we shouldn't be surprised that they both are no longer with those dudes.
Tonight average joe reject, Brian from Boston, really had no clue he was going to be rejected in the end. And I couldn't figure it out either. Larissa's dates with Gil seemed about as exciting as watching paint dry.
And speaking of the "hunks"-- what a bunch of maroons! Could NBC have picked more irritatingly boring guys? I guess this only illustrated the fact that these women really did end up basing their decision on looks and not on compatibility or anything of that nature. Larissa asked one of them once, "What's your favorite book?", to which he replied, "Uh, I don't read." She pressed to see if he had a favorite from years past, but the guy couldn't even come up with a sole title he had read in his 26 year life. Hint anybody?
I guess it only makes sense that "Larissa's Big Secret" was that she had once dated Fabio. FABIO?!?! WTF???? Um, whoa. Definetely wasn't expecting that. I thought she was gonna say she had a kid or AIDS or something along those lines. But she dated Fabio! And Gil dumped her because of it! I don't know which is weirder.

Hold Up

I was writing my gay marriage post (‘cause regular readers of blogs have no doubt not read enough re: “gay marriage - yay or nay?”), when I started to get uncomfortable about writing something vaguely topical. At AlcO-bEAt, our bread and butter is the fleeting, the trivial and the ephemeral, so the topical post is gonna hafta wait until I can collect myself. The Rocky Horror Picture Show Original Soundtrack LP rules, though.